We are so excited for the twins to arrive, and I am so grateful to be expecting them, but as I near delivery I can't help but think of sweet Matthew. When I'm holding my new babies for the first time, I feel that it will be bittersweet as I think back to the first and only time I held Matthew. How it should have been a bonding time for mother and newborn, it should have been nothing but joyful, he should have been mine to snuggle and to keep. The experience I'll have holding my new babies should have been the experience I had with Matthew. Instead all I have to hold on to is the memory of his tiny - yet perfect - body that was no longer full of life.
Don't get me wrong though. I will be so happy to be holding my two new babies. To feel their warm little bodies on my skin. To hear their newborn cries. To know that they are mine to keep and protect. There is nothing I want more. I have been so in love with them since our first ultrasound when I saw that there were two of them and when I saw their tiny heartbeats.
On a related note, something I've been interested in doing since we lost Matthew is becoming certified as a birth and bereavement doula. For those who are unfamiliar with what a doula does, it is someone who is trained to assist women primarily during childbirth and sometimes after. Someone whose only job is to be there to support the new mother. Sort of like a professional mom. :) A birth and bereavement doula provides support to mothers in any outcome and in any trimester, putting a special emphasis on bereavement training and dealing with loss or time in the NICU. Things of that nature.
There is a certification program through "Stillbirthday University" at stillbirthday.com provides that training and certification that I have been interested in, and starting this week I have the opportunity to start that training. It is an 8-week online course that we are given 12 weeks to finish, so I'll do as much as I can before the twins arrive and pace myself accordingly once they are here.
I still want to eventually become a certified lactation consultant, but this is one more thing that I've hoped to be able to do. I am very excited for this opportunity and hope that in the future I will be able to use my experience along with this training and certification to help other women.
