Feel What You Feel

Coronavirus news is everywhere. We all know that's the big thing right now, worldwide. It's scary, overwhelming, and who truly knows what all the effects of this pandemic will be, short- and long-term?

I think it's important to find gratitude in our lives, no matter how big or small, and I believe that a lot of good can come from that. But I also am a big believer in allowing yourself to feel what you feel. If you're mad, be mad. If you're grieving, let yourself grieve. Whatever the circumstance is, giving ourselves space to feel what we need to is important.

So here I am.

Don't get me wrong, we're doing fine, we're able to provide for our needs, and the twins don't really know any better. Life as we know it is okay.

But.

Here is some of the not-so-fun stuff that I've been feeling.

I'm anxious. Just this underlying anxiety that never really seems to go away. We have some stability in our home and our lives, but who knows if that could change? Or what about our families? Our friends? Who knows who will be affected, or by how much? How many people might I know who will get sick, or maybe even die, by the end of all this? Or if any of us get sick, what could be the impact on our family? What will the financial future of our families look like? What about that of our country? And what will it mean for all of us moving forward?

And what if the effects are far-reaching enough that food and essential supplies become scarce? More-so than what is happening with panic-buying and stocking up. What if it becomes legitimately hard to find what we need to survive? Is that even a possibility? Because thinking about that scares me.

I miss my family. I live far away from most of them anyway, and there are lots of ways that we stay connected thanks to technology, but knowing that you have to be isolated while there is so much going on in the world, it feels like it just brings out how much I miss them even more. I wish I could be with them.

I'm also worried about Josh's mental health. We've mostly adjusted to him working from home, but I know it wears on him to never go out. And I know a lot of this is hard on him in other ways. What if everything compounds and his depression and anxiety take a turn for the worse? His mental illnesses have taken us down some very dark roads, and I'm terrified of that happening here and now.

And I wish I had a little baby. It feels like I'm grieving a baby I don't have yet (which feels both similar and different compared to the grief I have about Matthew). I never thought when we started trying to get pregnant again back at the end of 2017 that we'd still be waiting. I know it's not an easy time to be pregnant or be giving birth, but it still hurts. And having fertility treatments cancelled doesn't help. I just wish I had a baby to be holed up with, to snuggle, to spend my energy taking care of, to shower with love. I'm emotionally tired and I hate that aching in my arms and my heart.

I believe that things will be okay, one way or another. But there is a lot of hard in the meantime.

Whatever you are feeling is valid. Hang in there, you're not alone. ♥



Love,
Ashley

Walking By Faith

Our day-to-day lives over the last several months have been relatively the same. Not a lot of excitement, other than the daily antics of toddler twins. ;)

However, our lives overall recently have been... interesting.

After another difficult school semester (last Fall) for Josh mental-health-wise, lots of prayer, counseling with our parents, and discussion with each other, we decided to pull Josh out of school indefinitely. It just hasn't been good for him and is not the direction we feel he needs to be headed. So after Christmas break, he withdrew from school and started focusing more on building his production company, Southampton Productions. He's been working on it ever since, doing podcasts, photo shoots, etc. He can tell you more about it than I can. ;)

I also decided at that time that I would focus on my goal of becoming a certified lactation consultant. I started reaching out to all the connections I could find, applying for jobs, and doing everything I could to make it happen. But it can be a complicated process, and I was met with dead end after dead end. After a lot of tears and frustration, I determined maybe now just isn't the time, even if it seems like it ought to be. I am hoping to be able to pursue it further in a few years.

After determining that, I decided I should go back into the work force anyway in the meantime, as it would mean a lot better of a financial position for us. I have been working part-time as a virtual assistant for a friend of mine who is a professional blogger, which is a great thing for me because it provides some income and allows me to work from home on my own schedule. But getting a job outside of the home would be that much better. Again, I applied for several jobs that I was rejected from. Finally, though, I got a job offer. Finally, after months of trying to find the employment that I needed, there it was. At least, I thought it was what I needed, and what our family needed.

When that job offer came, however, I got this overwhelmingly terrible feeling. At first, I wasn't sure if it was for feeling guilty that I would leave Josh at home with twin toddlers full-time while he was trying to build his production company, or that I would be away from my twins so much. Because, really, I don't do very well with big changes. But I had been looking forward to starting a new job for months. Shouldn't I feel a little excited about it, even if I was conflicted? But I just had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. So I was stressed about the situation and confused about what I was supposed to be doing.

The job would be starting in just a few days, so any decision we were going to make about it ideally should be made before then. We prayed, we talked about it, we pondered, I cried, I got Priesthood blessings, I cried about it some more, we talked about it some more, etc... you get the picture. It was a very intense couple of days, emotionally and spiritually. But by the end of it, I felt strongly that my place right now is at home. Rationally, it allows for me to be available to be there for Josh and take care of the twins when he's having a particularly bad day of depression or anxiety (we're focusing on getting his mental health under better control right now, which is a whole different story). It also allows Josh more time and freedom to work on building up his company. But more importantly, it felt right for me to be there. Right for me, and for our family.

The blessing is that we have relative freedom to make that decision right now. We have some flexibility because of assistance we receive financially. We don't normally broadcast it but we're not ashamed of it either. We absolutely want to be financially independent eventually, and I hope that the choices we make right now are setting us up for a more secure future. This means that for now our financial situation is tight, but I am so grateful that we do have the help and resources we need right now. It also may not be seen by many as the right decision, as it means that we will continue to receive assistance for now when we could be otherwise earning more ourselves in the workforce instead, but it is the right decision for us, regardless of how that decision appears to society.



With everything that has been going on lately, our future is very clouded and uncertain. I have no idea what the next year will bring, let alone the next five or ten years. I really wish it wasn't that way, because I would love to know a little more of what the future holds and feel like we have some security. But I believe with all my heart that if we are trying to do our best for ourselves and for our family, Heavenly Father will help us get there. It may be a rocky path, but I have faith that if we are trying to do the right thing the best way that we know how... things will work out. One way or another, things will work out.

Love,
Ashley

Finding My Path

Finding my Path - Part 1


Sometimes with journal entries and blog posts, I don't really know where to start other than right now:

These past few months have been interesting at the least.

^It has been a long recovery since the loss of Matthew

I was without work for a bit, but I'm now working 2 jobs.

We found out we're pregnant with twins!

Ashley's brother, Cody, recently got married <3

We also got to visit Indiana:

my brother Nick, standing face-to-face with a tiger

I just finished up with a job teaching summer school (Physical Science) at the same school where I was hired earlier in the year to be an after-school film teacher. Teaching at Independence High School here in Provo has helped me realize again that I really want to be able to teach and help others achieve the dreams they have. There is nothing more rewarding to me than seeing someone become who they've always dreamed about becoming.

Teaching outline for after-school film class at Independence High

I've changed majors yet again to essentially become a high school industrial tech teacher. I am still going into film, but this is just another route to doing that and gaining a teaching degree. There are thoughts that maybe I'm just trying to take the easier route to getting out of college the quickest, but I also found out that a Journalism major with a Broadcasting emphasis, was not for me. I'd be writing journalism articles for the next 3 years, all just to get practical experience in a television studio for a semester or two. That was not for me.

Inside the BYUtv Truck during a football game

With the Technology and Engineering Education degree, I'll learn CAD, a 3D Imaging program, wood and metal working, which will give me lots of prop-making and set-building experience to pull from in my years as a producer. Plus, like I said, I'll get a teaching degree as well, when I retire from the film/television industry and teach. Having made that decision, I still feel like I doubt myself and the paths I'm choosing for education.

Ethan being goofy

Having Ethan, my brother, here in Utah while pursuing an acting career, has really helped me to see that it really is okay to set aside all the things you think people want you to be in order to do whatever it is you've dreamed about doing, regardless if it makes sense or not. Part of that this summer for me has involved me really delving into the video game community as a content creator. I've been busy using my YouTube channel to upload podcasts, tutorials, or factual videos about video games.

Ashley and I realized that I needed to do something to keep my creative juices flowing. It's great for me to consistently have a creative outlet, so that I don't get bored or drained from the mundane of everyday life. I remembered my roommate pointing out to me a while back that I would want to start all these really cool film or creative projects and actually never pursue or follow-through with any of them and that's what got me going. So that motivated me to actually set out and do something.

I've been super busy and passionate about the streams, podcasts, events, and videos I put out. I've had to become super active on Twitter, which is something I was trying to avoid until I got into production on something bigger than my personal stuff, but it has brought a lot of success with it, although I hate having to feel like I have to check it to stay up-to-date on what's going on with collaborators, colleagues, and news thats happening in the areas where I'm creating and promoting content. Summary: Twitter is a necessary evil of being in the entertainment biz.

I recently did a gaming event online, where gamers got together and did activities that promoted the positive environments, experiences, and opportunities that video games can give people in their lives. I got a lot of response from several big names, some of whom I didn't think to ever hear from. It wasn't by accident that all this was happening to me as I was making sure that I had my spiritual priorities in order. I'd always known that if I put the Lord first in all that I did, especially in how I start my days (meaningful prayer, scripture study, meditation, etc.) I would be blessed in my other efforts, especially my aspirations in life. I knew that this success was a direct blessing from those improvements I was trying to make in my life. These people wouldn't have responded to some no-name content creator had it not been for some heavenly assistance, to which I am utterly grateful for.

Let me lead you now into the next part of my thoughts on where I'm going in life and these blog posts:

I'm starting to grasp the flow of my day-to-day life, how it should be and what I should be doing. I'm learning what takes priority and what amount of time I can and should dedicate to each good, better, or best aspect of my life that I'm currently focusing on. I see improvement, yet doubt, worry, depression and anxiety start to creep in and I doubt again where I am headed in life and if I've just wasted months and looking back years of my life.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Summer Family Visit

In June, Mom, Dad, and Chanelle came to visit! Well, Mom and Dad had a sibling reunion for part of the time so only Chanelle stayed with us during that time, but then afterwards they all stayed a few more days before leaving. It was definitely the highlight of my summer. And it was really nice being in our bigger, two-bedroom apartment so that it was easier for us to accommodate having them stay. Here's some highlights from the visit!

We took a tour of the BYU Broadcasting building (where Josh works), and saw some pretty neat stuff. Including some work-in-progress sets for the upcoming season of Studio C (if you've never watched it, you should. It's really funny.) as well as the BYU Sports Nation set.

The four girls (Mom, Chanelle, Kim, and myself) got pedicures together, which has become one of my favorite traditions whenever I get together with my mom. :) It's so fun to feel pampered sometimes.

And we all wrapped up the week by going to a hotel swimming pool (where Mom and Dad stayed for a couple of nights). Who doesn't love swimming? That's definitely one thing I miss about my Texas home!

After swimming!

And of course, it wouldn't be a Jacobson get-together without playing some games! Including 7 Wonders and Catch Phrase, playing games with my family is ALWAYS a blast.

Now for any additional updates. I recently decided that in addition to finishing my Nutritional Science degree at BYU (next year baby!), I want to become a Certified Lactation Consultant. This will take a little extra online schooling (hopefully only about a year or so) that isn't cheap, as well as a certification exam at the end (yuck), but I'm excited to go forward with this. I plan to start some of the online classes in the near future, and will hopefully start volunteering at Utah County WIC in Provo soon (it's a work in progress, I'll keep you posted)!

As for Josh, he will be leaving for Indiana next week for a close friend's wedding, as well as just spending some time with his family. I'll stay here and work while he's gone. I know it'll be really fun for him to be in Indiana for a bit and to see his family, but it'll be hard (at least for me!) because it'll be the first time that we're apart since we got married (I know, sob story right?).

And that's us lately! We've been enjoying summer, and love life. Hope everyone is enjoying their summers as well!

~ Ashley