Roth Family Christmas Letter 2021

♦ Happy New Year ♦

I meant to get this done as a Christmas letter but I didn't have the mental energy until now, so let's just call it a New Year letter! 2021 was one heck of a year. It was another particularly rough year for our family, but there was definitely good in there too. Here is the big stuff.

As most of you know, we were going through fertility treatments including IUI and IVF that ultimately led to a dead end, and we eventually decided this year to close that part of our journey. It was a heartbreaking decision, but one we feel comfortable with. We remain grateful beyond words for having the twins before facing infertility as well as for the incredible love and support that we experienced.

We have also had a number of big medical events this year. The biggest was Josh having a seizure. It was of course a big ordeal and I'm so grateful that we were around family at the time. He is back on seizure meds now and things seem to be going fine, so hopefully that remains the case! He also had a particularly bad kidney stone that resulted in multiple emergency room visits as well as surgery.

In our more daily lives our trials range from mental health struggles to financial strain to parenting and general life stuff. Now let's move on to the good stuff!

Josh got a new job this year doing Amazon delivery. It's very physical and sometimes that really manifests (knees for sure), but it's been a good job so far. it's straightforward and he gets to do his thing as long as the work gets done. He also built a new computer from scratch for the first time. Ashley got a new at-home job as a web rater. It's more intensive than her other at-home work, but it's been a great addition. She also stepped down from being a moderator for the Utah Chapter of Mormon Women for Ethical Government for now.

Lauren and Jacob started Kindergarten this year, and they are crushing it. They are thriving academically and socially, they have made lots of friends, and their favorite part of school is the bus ride. I put them in the same class for now, because I can't imagine them being apart, but maybe that will change over the years.

Lauren loves unicorns, pink, purple, turquoise, and anything sparkly. She is a friend to everyone and is a natural leader in that she is not afraid to direct people when playing games and things - sometimes that translates to bossy when she's coming on especially strong, but I hope she never loses that spark.

Jacob loves red, orange, and yellow because those are "lava colors", and also rainbow. He is also obsessed with penguins as well as anything cute - I don't think I've met someone who loves cute things more than he does. He is so sweet and always tries to cheer people up, and is as curious about the world as ever.

We've felt so much love and support in our lives this year. We are especially grateful for the love and comfort we find in Christ. We love you all dearly, and wish you the best year available to you. ♥

Roth Family Christmas Card & Letter 2020

We sent out our Christmas cards only digitally this year to save on money, but wanted to share here too. If you're reading this, we love you and wish all the best. Here is our Christmas card and letter for 2020:

What a year this has been, right?? All around us there has been political strife, social unrest, economic hardship, and of course the global pandemic. That’s enough to make anyone’s year a challenging one.

For us personally, even with all of that aside this was one of our hardest years to date. Among other challenges, some of the harder things that we’ve been open about include a suicide attempt followed by hospitalization and another year of no successful pregnancy, including miscarriage and failed IUI cycles.

But there is good too! Josh got a new mental health diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) along with new doctors, therapies, medications, and even a few workplace accommodations. As always it’s a long road, but we’ve seen a lot of good there too. And with my secondary infertility, we have decided to move on to IVF - a very big deal! Granted, it felt like a big deal to start any fertility treatments, but going from IUI to IVF there is a lot more to it. It’s not cheap and it sucks to anticipate that when we’ve been working to save for a bigger car and a house, but it’s also much more likely to result in a pregnancy so we’re hopeful. We are also so grateful to continue to have steady incomes this past year, even if there were some hits to our income. We’ve been able to provide for our needs, and we are so grateful for that.

Josh has gotten more crafty this year - he’s been making trinkets for his Dungeons and Dragons group in his spare time that involves woodworking, woodburning, using epoxy resin, and other exciting stuff. He also still streams on Twitch pretty regularly and loves unwinding by playing games with his friends and family. He is still working at Visa, and has had a mix of working from home and working at the office.

This year Ashley became a moderator for a chapter of the organization ‘Mormon Women for Ethical Government’ - a non-partisan group for Latter-day Saint women that focuses on advocacy, peacemaking, media literacy, and ethical government. Ashley has been very active in a lot of political scenes as well as loving her church calling in coordinating service and meals for others who are in need. She also still works from home as a virtual assistant, doing a bunch of computer and social media stuff.

The twins haven’t stopped growing up, despite our pleas. They have a lot of shared interests, including stickers, video games, riding their balance bikes or scooters outside, and playing pretend together.

Lauren has been conditioned since birth to like the color pink, and she has embraced that in full force. She loves everything pink, as well as all things unicorn. She loves imaginative play, is more or less content to do her own thing, loves to sing to herself, is obsessed with taking pictures, and wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s a total Daddy’s girl and reminds me of that regularly. ;)

Jacob loves anything rainbow. He has laser-sharp focus on whatever interests him, often not noticing anything else when he’s doing something he loves. He has big emotions that we are still learning how to manage, is growing more determined at trying things he’s afraid of, and prefers to play with others over doing anything alone. He is super attached to Mama, and I’m soaking it up.

We’ve felt so much love and support in our lives this year. We are especially grateful for the love and comfort we find in Christ. We love you all dearly, and wish you the best holiday available to you. ♥

Easter

I love Easter. It's always been a fun holiday to me, but growing up and especially since Matthew died, it holds a special significance.

Our Savior suffered the Atonement for us. He suffered pains, sickness, temptations and trials of every kind, all because of His pure, insanely deep love for us. He died for us. So that as He lives, even now, we can also live in eternity.

We talked about the Atonement a lot at church today, and as I listened to the messages and the discussions, I thought about how I feel about my children as their mother. I know that every pain, sorrow, discomfort, trial, everything they will have to face in life, I would willfully take that upon myself for their sake. And I know that so many of the trials I face in my own life, I am glad to have experienced so that I will know how to be there for my children if they go through similar experiences.

Guys, this is what the Atonement is. Christ suffered for us, because He loves us. He loves the crap out of us. Pardon me if that's an irreverent way to say it. I just know that we can't even comprehend how much He loves us, and knowing how much I love my own family, that must be like... SO. MUCH. LOVE.

And because He rose from the grave after three days and conquered death, we will also one day be resurrected and live forever with Him and those we love.

Because of Him, I'll get to be with my family forever.

And because of Him, I'll see my sweet Matthew again. Nothing brings me greater hope in this life than that knowledge.

I am so grateful for my Savior. I know He suffered for me. I know He died for me. I know if I was the only one He was saving, He would still do it. And I know the same applies to every person I meet (and I try to always remember that).




...I don't mean to take away from speaking of such an important, sacred topic, but... I don't know how to smoothly transition to posting pictures of my cute babies in their Easter clothes. (I'm not really a writer).

But here they are:

That last one is actually the most accurate picture of the afternoon. At least one of them was almost always crying while I tried to get a good shot. Luckily we got some good ones in the end. :)

I just want to say again how grateful I am for Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I am so grateful for my family. I am blessed more than I deserve. But then, aren't we all?

Love,

Ashley

Finding My Path

Finding my Path - Part 1


Sometimes with journal entries and blog posts, I don't really know where to start other than right now:

These past few months have been interesting at the least.

^It has been a long recovery since the loss of Matthew

I was without work for a bit, but I'm now working 2 jobs.

We found out we're pregnant with twins!

Ashley's brother, Cody, recently got married <3

We also got to visit Indiana:

my brother Nick, standing face-to-face with a tiger

I just finished up with a job teaching summer school (Physical Science) at the same school where I was hired earlier in the year to be an after-school film teacher. Teaching at Independence High School here in Provo has helped me realize again that I really want to be able to teach and help others achieve the dreams they have. There is nothing more rewarding to me than seeing someone become who they've always dreamed about becoming.

Teaching outline for after-school film class at Independence High

I've changed majors yet again to essentially become a high school industrial tech teacher. I am still going into film, but this is just another route to doing that and gaining a teaching degree. There are thoughts that maybe I'm just trying to take the easier route to getting out of college the quickest, but I also found out that a Journalism major with a Broadcasting emphasis, was not for me. I'd be writing journalism articles for the next 3 years, all just to get practical experience in a television studio for a semester or two. That was not for me.

Inside the BYUtv Truck during a football game

With the Technology and Engineering Education degree, I'll learn CAD, a 3D Imaging program, wood and metal working, which will give me lots of prop-making and set-building experience to pull from in my years as a producer. Plus, like I said, I'll get a teaching degree as well, when I retire from the film/television industry and teach. Having made that decision, I still feel like I doubt myself and the paths I'm choosing for education.

Ethan being goofy

Having Ethan, my brother, here in Utah while pursuing an acting career, has really helped me to see that it really is okay to set aside all the things you think people want you to be in order to do whatever it is you've dreamed about doing, regardless if it makes sense or not. Part of that this summer for me has involved me really delving into the video game community as a content creator. I've been busy using my YouTube channel to upload podcasts, tutorials, or factual videos about video games.

Ashley and I realized that I needed to do something to keep my creative juices flowing. It's great for me to consistently have a creative outlet, so that I don't get bored or drained from the mundane of everyday life. I remembered my roommate pointing out to me a while back that I would want to start all these really cool film or creative projects and actually never pursue or follow-through with any of them and that's what got me going. So that motivated me to actually set out and do something.

I've been super busy and passionate about the streams, podcasts, events, and videos I put out. I've had to become super active on Twitter, which is something I was trying to avoid until I got into production on something bigger than my personal stuff, but it has brought a lot of success with it, although I hate having to feel like I have to check it to stay up-to-date on what's going on with collaborators, colleagues, and news thats happening in the areas where I'm creating and promoting content. Summary: Twitter is a necessary evil of being in the entertainment biz.

I recently did a gaming event online, where gamers got together and did activities that promoted the positive environments, experiences, and opportunities that video games can give people in their lives. I got a lot of response from several big names, some of whom I didn't think to ever hear from. It wasn't by accident that all this was happening to me as I was making sure that I had my spiritual priorities in order. I'd always known that if I put the Lord first in all that I did, especially in how I start my days (meaningful prayer, scripture study, meditation, etc.) I would be blessed in my other efforts, especially my aspirations in life. I knew that this success was a direct blessing from those improvements I was trying to make in my life. These people wouldn't have responded to some no-name content creator had it not been for some heavenly assistance, to which I am utterly grateful for.

Let me lead you now into the next part of my thoughts on where I'm going in life and these blog posts:

I'm starting to grasp the flow of my day-to-day life, how it should be and what I should be doing. I'm learning what takes priority and what amount of time I can and should dedicate to each good, better, or best aspect of my life that I'm currently focusing on. I see improvement, yet doubt, worry, depression and anxiety start to creep in and I doubt again where I am headed in life and if I've just wasted months and looking back years of my life.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hard Days and Gratitude

Today has been a really hard day for me. My grief over losing Matthew has been getting harder before is gets better, and it's been one of those days where everything that life demands from you just feels completely overwhelming. The thought of doing any little thing today has caused me so much stress and anxiety that I end up feeling like everything is just too much to face. And when I try to face it anyway, my body's response is to panic. To freak out or just start crying. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm going to go crazy. Not every day is like this, but today was one of those days.

At times like these, in particular, I just want to scream at the world to stop for a moment. Give me a day, two days, any kind of break. I just want to hit the pause button and try again tomorrow. But life demands that things keep moving at a constant, unstoppable pace.

I was talking about this today to one of my friends, who lost her baby boy just a few hours after he was born, and she sent me this picture in her texts:

It is such a great description of how it feels at times. Sometimes all I can think about is the aching in my heart and the longing to hold my baby, yet the world demands that I work to keep up with rent and that I complete homework and tests that seem like they will never end. The world keeps moving and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.

Today I did not accomplish nearly as much as I initially envisioned. Everything felt impossible to even consider getting done. But tonight, in a moment of motivation (probably from Heavenly Father, which I'm thankful for), I went for a run. I ran from our apartment to the Provo City Center Temple and back. (Okay, it was a walk/run combination. I'm not THAT good.) When I got to the temple, I just stood there for a minute and looked at it. And I was filled with gratitude.

As I looked at the temple, I was reminded of the incredible blessing in my life that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Josh and I have been sealed in the temple, Matthew is sealed to us. Because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we will be with our precious little boy again. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to know that. As painful as it is to not have him with me and to go through my life without knowing my baby, I know that will not be the case forever.

Recently I found this quote, and it resonated deeply with me:

It makes me want to both smile and cry. It is both painful and very precious. I want to be the one looking into my baby's eyes. But if it wasn't me he saw when he opened his eyes, I am glad to know that it was the face of Jesus.

I know that I will continue to have hard days and days in which keeping up with life feels impossible. But I also know that my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, know me and hurt when I'm hurting. I know that because of Christ's sacrifice I can find comfort in my darkest days, and that all will be made right when someday I am reunited with my Matthew. And I know that there is still so much joy to come in my life, even if it doesn't always feel like it now.

And I am grateful.

~ Ashley

The Closing of 2014 - Not What I Expected

I have been contemplating lately what I should say in a public setting about my thoughts and feelings lately. What is appropriate to post on Facebook, what is appropriate to say here. What should I hold back, what should I share. Some things I want to say but worry that others will be put off by negativity. But I've decided that in the end, this is my blog, and though it is available publicly, I am still free to share what I want without needing to fear the reactions of others.

As most of you know, I lost my child earlier this month. I gave birth to Matthew, my little gift from God, on the morning of December 4th. He was stillborn. It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I felt at the hospital and during the days that have followed since.

As the year is coming to a close, I am seeing a lot of people posting about how 2014 has been. Lots of those little Facebook slideshows that have the year in review. And they almost always say, "It's been a great year!" As I have reflected on my year, I'm left feeling emptiness and sadness. I was expecting to be able to call 2014 a great year. But losing my baby tore away all those dreams that I had. Now I look back at how excited I was to be pregnant and looking forward to having that child, and all I can think is how it should have been. My baby bump should be showing, and I would be proud of it. I should be feeling his precious movements. I should be buying cute newborn clothes and setting up his things.

And there are so many things I will forever be left wondering about: what would he have looked like? Would his hair be dark like Josh's? Would it be curly or straight? Would he have our brown eyes or get our recessive blue? Would he be a mild-mannered baby? Would he become a rambunctious toddler? It doesn't seem fair. I would never get to rock him to sleep, cradled in my arms. I would never get to sing him a lullaby. I am his mother, yet I would never get to mother him.

So when I look at the year 2014, it is with a heavy heart, full of great sadness and a longing that will never be filled. The turning of the year is a reminder of all the year should have brought, and all the dreams that came with it. That I went home from the hospital that day with broken dreams and empty arms. And though time is the great healer, that pain will always remain.


Fortunately, in the midst of grief and tragedy, hope can still be found.

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we will be reunited with our precious boy again. Because of Him, we are and will always be a family, even if I can't be with Matthew at this time. Because of Him, the pain of being without my boy in this life will be but a brief moment compared to the joy of eternity.

~ Ashley

Trials

We all know that life is great at throwing trials your way. Sometimes it feels like it's too much and you don't see a way out. It's those experiences that when you look back you can see the hand of the Lord and you are more able to appreciate what you've gone through to get where you are.

But here is the question that I pose to anyone who may be reading this: when you're in the midst of those trials and things feel pretty bleak, what do you do to hold on to hope and maintain an optimistic outlook? What gets you through the storm?

~ Ashley

August Update

It finally feels like the summer is moving along. I wouldn't normally have any good feelings about that, but I've been taking a couple of classes this summer and I just finished them up. So now we have the last couple of weeks of August to enjoy only working before school starts up again. That plus we don't have air conditioning, so while our efforts to keep our place cool using fans and a portable swamp cooler have definitely helped, let's just say we're looking forward to cooler weather. (Let me be clear: I am excited for FALL weather, not winter. Josh might feel differently, but I still don't fare well in the freezing cold.)

This weekend Josh and I made a trip up to Idaho for a couple of days to visit my Nana and Poppy. We wish Trevin and Kim could've come with us, but that was poor planning on our part and it didn't work out... this time. Josh and I drove up REALLY late on Thursday night, arriving at Nana and Poppy's house around 4:30 am. I know the day will come when we won't be able to handle that, but I'm grateful that right now we're able to make such a late trip. :) The next morning we all took their boat out to the lake. It was beautiful!

Nana started off the day with skiing. I am constantly so impressed by how active, hard-working, and fun-loving she is! I want to be that fit and fun when I'm her age. :)

Go Nana!

After a few tries Josh got up on water-skis for the first time! I was so proud to see him out on the water. ^^ I took a turn later as well; I've tried my hand at water-skiing a couple of times before, but I never do stay up on the water for very long. It was fun though. :) By the time we got home that evening, we were low on sleep and exhausted from being in the sun all day, so Josh and I crashed until dinner, and that night we welcomed bed time when it came.

Loving being out on the lake together!

On Saturday Josh and I went to the Boise Temple. We both used to go there pretty often when we were missionaries, but neither of us have been back to that one since then. They renovated it after both of us had left the mission, and let me just say, going back this time the temple looks absolutely beautiful. Not to mention, the Provo Temple has - until this past week - been closed for about a month and a half, and we haven't made any trips to other temples during that time. It was so wonderful to be able to make time to visit the House of the Lord. It is always such a peaceful place, and the Spirit of the Lord is always there. It really helped me feel closer to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, closer to my sweet husband, and to have a renewed perspective about my life. I love the Gospel and the peace it brings to my life!!

So happy together :)

If going to the temple with the love of my life wasn't enough to make a wonderful day (which, by the way, it totally was), that night we all went to my cousins' birthday party. Two adorable twin girls turning one together! It was so cute to see them, and I just loved spending time with family.

Unfortunately we only had a couple of days in Idaho and this morning we left to come back to Provo. The trip was too short but definitely worth it. :) And now we'll enjoy our last bit of summer before school starts again!

~ Ashley