Hard Days and Gratitude

Today has been a really hard day for me. My grief over losing Matthew has been getting harder before is gets better, and it's been one of those days where everything that life demands from you just feels completely overwhelming. The thought of doing any little thing today has caused me so much stress and anxiety that I end up feeling like everything is just too much to face. And when I try to face it anyway, my body's response is to panic. To freak out or just start crying. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm going to go crazy. Not every day is like this, but today was one of those days.

At times like these, in particular, I just want to scream at the world to stop for a moment. Give me a day, two days, any kind of break. I just want to hit the pause button and try again tomorrow. But life demands that things keep moving at a constant, unstoppable pace.

I was talking about this today to one of my friends, who lost her baby boy just a few hours after he was born, and she sent me this picture in her texts:

It is such a great description of how it feels at times. Sometimes all I can think about is the aching in my heart and the longing to hold my baby, yet the world demands that I work to keep up with rent and that I complete homework and tests that seem like they will never end. The world keeps moving and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.

Today I did not accomplish nearly as much as I initially envisioned. Everything felt impossible to even consider getting done. But tonight, in a moment of motivation (probably from Heavenly Father, which I'm thankful for), I went for a run. I ran from our apartment to the Provo City Center Temple and back. (Okay, it was a walk/run combination. I'm not THAT good.) When I got to the temple, I just stood there for a minute and looked at it. And I was filled with gratitude.

As I looked at the temple, I was reminded of the incredible blessing in my life that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Josh and I have been sealed in the temple, Matthew is sealed to us. Because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we will be with our precious little boy again. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to know that. As painful as it is to not have him with me and to go through my life without knowing my baby, I know that will not be the case forever.

Recently I found this quote, and it resonated deeply with me:

It makes me want to both smile and cry. It is both painful and very precious. I want to be the one looking into my baby's eyes. But if it wasn't me he saw when he opened his eyes, I am glad to know that it was the face of Jesus.

I know that I will continue to have hard days and days in which keeping up with life feels impossible. But I also know that my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, know me and hurt when I'm hurting. I know that because of Christ's sacrifice I can find comfort in my darkest days, and that all will be made right when someday I am reunited with my Matthew. And I know that there is still so much joy to come in my life, even if it doesn't always feel like it now.

And I am grateful.

~ Ashley

Picture Dump!

Since it's been a couple of months since my last update, I just think it will be easier if I am brief and post mostly photos. Enjoy!

I spent the night with Trevin and Kim one night while Josh was in Indiana, and the next morning Mickey just hopped up on the couch next to me. He's so cute I couldn't resist taking a couple pictures.

Speaking of cute, here's a random picture of our hamster, Gus Gus. :) 

A nice Provo pic.

Anime hair. Am I right?

The board after a game of Settlers of Catan with Chanelle and Sammy via phone while the boys played Battlefield 3 online.

We got to go to the Ogden Utah Temple open house with some of our neighbor friends. It was so beautiful. I love being able to be there. And apparently I am the tallest girl in the bunch by a decent amount. :P

First day of school pic.

Seen at Comic Con. For those who know Trigun. :)

Smaug head.

Left: Josh with Grant Imahara from Mythbusters.

Right: Posing next to Baymax from Big Hero 6.

Left: Alan Tudyk while I waited to add his autograph to Adam Baldwin's on my Firefly discs.

Right: James Hong, just taken from a distance.

Josh and I got to see the last live taping of Season 5 of Studio C with Cody and his friend. It was pretty awesome.

Our outfits for Comic Con on Friday.

And our outfits on Saturday. (Sorry you can't see the whole outfit in either picture.)

Comparison between Josh's Harry Potter costume and the real thing.

I went with Mom and Dad to drop Chanelle off at BYU-Idaho, and instantly fell in love with the campus. It's beautiful.

Aaand the Rexburg Temple. Right there by campus.

It's been a fun couple of months, and very very busy. But life is good. :)

~ Ashley

August Update

It finally feels like the summer is moving along. I wouldn't normally have any good feelings about that, but I've been taking a couple of classes this summer and I just finished them up. So now we have the last couple of weeks of August to enjoy only working before school starts up again. That plus we don't have air conditioning, so while our efforts to keep our place cool using fans and a portable swamp cooler have definitely helped, let's just say we're looking forward to cooler weather. (Let me be clear: I am excited for FALL weather, not winter. Josh might feel differently, but I still don't fare well in the freezing cold.)

This weekend Josh and I made a trip up to Idaho for a couple of days to visit my Nana and Poppy. We wish Trevin and Kim could've come with us, but that was poor planning on our part and it didn't work out... this time. Josh and I drove up REALLY late on Thursday night, arriving at Nana and Poppy's house around 4:30 am. I know the day will come when we won't be able to handle that, but I'm grateful that right now we're able to make such a late trip. :) The next morning we all took their boat out to the lake. It was beautiful!

Nana started off the day with skiing. I am constantly so impressed by how active, hard-working, and fun-loving she is! I want to be that fit and fun when I'm her age. :)

Go Nana!

After a few tries Josh got up on water-skis for the first time! I was so proud to see him out on the water. ^^ I took a turn later as well; I've tried my hand at water-skiing a couple of times before, but I never do stay up on the water for very long. It was fun though. :) By the time we got home that evening, we were low on sleep and exhausted from being in the sun all day, so Josh and I crashed until dinner, and that night we welcomed bed time when it came.

Loving being out on the lake together!

On Saturday Josh and I went to the Boise Temple. We both used to go there pretty often when we were missionaries, but neither of us have been back to that one since then. They renovated it after both of us had left the mission, and let me just say, going back this time the temple looks absolutely beautiful. Not to mention, the Provo Temple has - until this past week - been closed for about a month and a half, and we haven't made any trips to other temples during that time. It was so wonderful to be able to make time to visit the House of the Lord. It is always such a peaceful place, and the Spirit of the Lord is always there. It really helped me feel closer to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, closer to my sweet husband, and to have a renewed perspective about my life. I love the Gospel and the peace it brings to my life!!

So happy together :)

If going to the temple with the love of my life wasn't enough to make a wonderful day (which, by the way, it totally was), that night we all went to my cousins' birthday party. Two adorable twin girls turning one together! It was so cute to see them, and I just loved spending time with family.

Unfortunately we only had a couple of days in Idaho and this morning we left to come back to Provo. The trip was too short but definitely worth it. :) And now we'll enjoy our last bit of summer before school starts again!

~ Ashley