The Closing of 2014 - Not What I Expected

I have been contemplating lately what I should say in a public setting about my thoughts and feelings lately. What is appropriate to post on Facebook, what is appropriate to say here. What should I hold back, what should I share. Some things I want to say but worry that others will be put off by negativity. But I've decided that in the end, this is my blog, and though it is available publicly, I am still free to share what I want without needing to fear the reactions of others.

As most of you know, I lost my child earlier this month. I gave birth to Matthew, my little gift from God, on the morning of December 4th. He was stillborn. It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I felt at the hospital and during the days that have followed since.

As the year is coming to a close, I am seeing a lot of people posting about how 2014 has been. Lots of those little Facebook slideshows that have the year in review. And they almost always say, "It's been a great year!" As I have reflected on my year, I'm left feeling emptiness and sadness. I was expecting to be able to call 2014 a great year. But losing my baby tore away all those dreams that I had. Now I look back at how excited I was to be pregnant and looking forward to having that child, and all I can think is how it should have been. My baby bump should be showing, and I would be proud of it. I should be feeling his precious movements. I should be buying cute newborn clothes and setting up his things.

And there are so many things I will forever be left wondering about: what would he have looked like? Would his hair be dark like Josh's? Would it be curly or straight? Would he have our brown eyes or get our recessive blue? Would he be a mild-mannered baby? Would he become a rambunctious toddler? It doesn't seem fair. I would never get to rock him to sleep, cradled in my arms. I would never get to sing him a lullaby. I am his mother, yet I would never get to mother him.

So when I look at the year 2014, it is with a heavy heart, full of great sadness and a longing that will never be filled. The turning of the year is a reminder of all the year should have brought, and all the dreams that came with it. That I went home from the hospital that day with broken dreams and empty arms. And though time is the great healer, that pain will always remain.


Fortunately, in the midst of grief and tragedy, hope can still be found.

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we will be reunited with our precious boy again. Because of Him, we are and will always be a family, even if I can't be with Matthew at this time. Because of Him, the pain of being without my boy in this life will be but a brief moment compared to the joy of eternity.

~ Ashley