Six months calls for a life update.
My journey with twins so far has been an interesting one. Super hard, but also awesome. But I'm not going to sugar coat it. I believe in sharing the raw, real-ness of life experiences. Maybe what I share can uplift someone.
When the twins were first born, I really struggled. Which was very surprising to me, to be honest. All my life, and especially so the last few years, my ultimate desire has been to have children and raise a family. All other aspirations are secondary to that. There's nothing I want more. Then when the twins were born... I struggled. For a number of reasons, I'm sure. I've always had a hard time with change, especially big life changes, even if I wanted them. Also, the post-partum hormones are crazy!! Every little thing for the first few weeks turned me into a crying disaster of a person. And to be frank, I started to question how much I loved the twins. I would never have given them up, but at the same time, I found myself not wanting to be around them. And I questioned how much I really wanted to be their mom after all, which made me feel like a terrible mother.
But you know what I realized? When you go from not having those kind of responsibilities, to being called on by two newborn babies all day and all night, throw in some crazy hormones and a dash of sleep deprivation, and I don't think it's that surprising to feel like you don't want to be around them! In the midst of it, I felt like a terrible mother who didn't love her babies. Looking back, I can just say that newborn babies can be HARD. Motherhood can be HARD. It still is to this day and will continue to be hard for all kinds of reasons as they grow up, but man, those first few months can be rough on a person!
But it does get better. Once they started sleeping better at night, for instance, it changed my life. And while I sometimes miss those tiny, cuddly newborns, it's so fun to have their little personalities starting to come through and see how they interact with the world! Sometimes I swear I can see the learning process take place within them, and it's the best!
And now they're six months old.
This seems off-topic, but I swear it's not, so stay with me. I recently went back to work part-time at Chick-fil-A. It was part of some plans Josh and I made for him going back to school and saving extra money, etc. I felt great about all of it at the time. But when I actually went back to work, I doubted that decision pretty hardcore. There are a number of reasons for both sides of it, but after a lot of discussing, praying, stressing, and fasting, I've decided for now to not keep working after all. It feels weird to have gone back for such a short amount of time before deciding to leave again, but I do feel that it's the best decision for us right now. The good thing that has come from my brief time back is that I have realized how much I LOVE being with my babies. I don't *always* want to be with them, but being their mom and taking care of them, even when it's exhausting, is my favorite thing. Do I still need a break from them once in a while? Yes. Yes I do. But I'll never be able to describe how much I love them, and taking care of them every day is a privilege.
Now, on to some updates about them:
Jacob is no longer a cuddle bug, unless he's SUPER tired. He's still more temperamental than Lauren. He's also still bigger than her. (Their doctor's appointment is in a couple weeks, so I don't have their updated stats.) Jacob is rolling all over the place, which means I have to be careful what I leave down, plugged in to the outlet, etc. It also means, total mobility is just around the corner. I am not thrilled about this. Also since he started rolling over, his favorite position to sleep in on his tummy, often face-down:
Which means he sometimes wakes up like this:
Lauren is full of energy - always kicking, squirming, playing in her jumper, what have you. She smiles easily. She isn't quite rolling over to her tummy, but she's trying. She's also more actively trying to sit up. Like, crunches style. It's pretty funny to watch. She loves to feel things of all different materials, including (but not limited to) our pants, daddy's facial scruff, and Jacob's hair:
They are both still social babies. They like being with people, and are not yet afraid to go to anyone. I'm hoping that as we keep socializing them, they won't go through a mommy-or-daddy-only phase. But I'm a first time mom, I really don't know what to expect.
When they finally started noticing each other, things got really fun. They make each other smile a lot, and are now constantly kicking, grabbing at, and eating each other (welcome to the rest of your lives, kids):
Sometimes people ask me what it's like to have twins. And depending on the day, I probably give different kinds of answers. Some days, it's so rough and they drive me so crazy and I feel like I can't do it anymore. (That's usually when Josh gets home and tells me to take a bath or get out of the house or do whatever I want, while he takes care of the babies. He's the best.) Days filled with spit-ups or blow-outs, or times like this:
(Sorry this is sideways, I haven't figured out how to fix that.)
These two are my life, and that's a good thing. I make tons of mistakes as a mom, but I am learning just as they are. Life with twins is messy, but, I mean... who can resist these faces?? :)
Love,
Ashley
