At times like these, in particular, I just want to scream at the world to stop for a moment. Give me a day, two days, any kind of break. I just want to hit the pause button and try again tomorrow. But life demands that things keep moving at a constant, unstoppable pace.
I was talking about this today to one of my friends, who lost her baby boy just a few hours after he was born, and she sent me this picture in her texts:
It is such a great description of how it feels at times. Sometimes all I can think about is the aching in my heart and the longing to hold my baby, yet the world demands that I work to keep up with rent and that I complete homework and tests that seem like they will never end. The world keeps moving and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.
Today I did not accomplish nearly as much as I initially envisioned. Everything felt impossible to even consider getting done. But tonight, in a moment of motivation (probably from Heavenly Father, which I'm thankful for), I went for a run. I ran from our apartment to the Provo City Center Temple and back. (Okay, it was a walk/run combination. I'm not THAT good.) When I got to the temple, I just stood there for a minute and looked at it. And I was filled with gratitude.
As I looked at the temple, I was reminded of the incredible blessing in my life that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Josh and I have been sealed in the temple, Matthew is sealed to us. Because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we will be with our precious little boy again. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to know that. As painful as it is to not have him with me and to go through my life without knowing my baby, I know that will not be the case forever.
Recently I found this quote, and it resonated deeply with me:
It makes me want to both smile and cry. It is both painful and very precious. I want to be the one looking into my baby's eyes. But if it wasn't me he saw when he opened his eyes, I am glad to know that it was the face of Jesus.
I know that I will continue to have hard days and days in which keeping up with life feels impossible. But I also know that my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, know me and hurt when I'm hurting. I know that because of Christ's sacrifice I can find comfort in my darkest days, and that all will be made right when someday I am reunited with my Matthew. And I know that there is still so much joy to come in my life, even if it doesn't always feel like it now.
And I am grateful.
~ Ashley
