Happy Birthday

This post is a couple weeks late, but here it is anyway! October 29th was the twins' birthday! In lieu of posting all about how crazy it is that they are one, or how the first year has been (cause I could go on about that for a while!), I'm just going to post about their actual birthday celebrations. Mostly pictures. :)

First we went to Josh's grandparents' house and had cupcakes and ice cream!

 Then they got some fun presents. :)

 On the day before their birthday, we scheduled a church building and celebrated there. I pretty much just got footage of the cake smash, but that's really all that matters right? ;)

Our friend Rose made these cute monster cakes! <3

Awaiting their cakes.

The videos I got of them eating their cakes are broken up into several segments. They were both not sure how to deal with the cakes when we gave them to them. Josh had to help them both along. Jacob took that help and went with it. Lauren didn't appreciate it so much. ;)

We sang them Happy Birthday too, but I didn't start recording until halfway through the song, haha.

Happy birthday babies!!!


Love,
Ashley

Summer Wrap-Up

Summer went by as quickly as ever. I don't mind, because it means fall is just around the corner and that's my favorite season!

My family had a small family reunion just over a week ago; just my parents, my siblings and their spouses, and kids. It was super fun! I always love seeing everyone! We went to Park City, which was my first time being there. We took some family pictures...

Love this family of mine!

...Then hit the Alpine Slides:

The ski lift to the top of the Slides was a beautiful ride, but also terrifying to someone like me who is afraid of heights.

And then there were the names of the slides like "Last Chance" and "Crooked Shaft", which perpetuated my nervousness.

But by the time the slide was done, most of us were eager for more. It was a blast.

It wasn't all fun and games though. The stomach flu had started going around just before the reunion. Most of the family didn't pick it up at the reunion, to my knowledge, but a few days in, it hit me pretty hard. The nice thing was that I got it while we were there, instead of after, so I was able to feel like death without having to worry about taking care of anyone since there was plenty of help around.

The twins got so loved on!

Unfortunately, Jacob caught the bug a few days later after we had gone home. The poor guy was totally miserable for a few days. He was crying and whining most of the time, and very clingy but not always content to just lay and cuddle because of his discomfort. Whenever he did calm down enough to cuddle and fall asleep in our arms though, it was pretty sweet.

Thankfully, even though Lauren has had a cold practically since we've been home, she's been a pretty happy girl. This made it a lot easier to take care of Jacob.

She's our crazy, silly, happy girl. :)

We're all on the upswing now (hopefully... the jury's out on Josh currently). And now today Josh started school at BYU again! He's got a couple years in front of him, and is really excited about his classes this semester. I'm so proud of him!

He's so adorable.

And that's a wrap for our summer! Here's to a great fall!


Love,
Ashley

Finding My Path Part 2

If you have not already, please read part one of this blog post HERE

I had come down from the high of hosting this gaming event and the fact that I ended up working with some well-known individuals in the gaming community and it all starts to go to my head. I couldn't stop thinking of ways to promote things or make changes in the gaming and YouTube industry. I was getting caught up in the fact that I could make money doing live-streaming and YouTube. I spent everyday checking my Twitter feed, my video views, and was constantly seeking the attention of others.

I get frustrated when I work so hard at producing content and coming up with ideas I think are great and I have nothing to show for it. I ended up realizing that not only was I putting too much emphasis on fame and fortune, but I was pushing myself away from those I cared about and I felt miserable. I realized that I had tried to be something and I could keep trying to do it, but there was no sense in trying to force it to happen and my time would be better spent pursuing life-long dreams instead of fleeting hopes that arose from 100 people watching a YouTube video I put out.

I was watching an episode of Modern Family, funnily enough, when I received some counsel that I'm sure had been delivered my way in many forms, but I did not seem to receive until I watched this:

Jay Helps Mitchell Through His Midlife Crisis
(click on hyperlink)

Sometimes you try to be good at something that just doesn't fit. You try so hard to be something that you ultimately cannot do. It may be that some day will be a better time where you can become the best at the activity or job. It may also be that you tried and now you know it just won't ever work for you.

Now I don't mean to sound super depressing, but isn't it a fact of life that everyone is so individually different from one another? To that I would say "rightfully so."

I learned very early on in film, that as much as I love learning about directing, editing, producing, etc., it is not feasible for me to be the best I can be if I try to do all of these things at once. I realized that Joe may be great at editing, so let him focus on that skill while I narrow down the skill I want to focus on. Some people are cut out for different things, which is honestly one of the greatest things about being human. Someone out there really enjoys being able to help counsel families in times of grief. I am not sure I could do that, so I am very glad that someone else not only wants to do that, but is very successful at it.

Getting back on point, the message I received that day was this:

"Josh,

You may be good at broadcasting media and putting together a great production, but video game streaming and YouTubing is not really your thing. You can enjoy this as a hobby every once and a while, but this isn't something you focus large amounts of time on when you could be furthering other aspects of your life."

I cannot tell you how hard it was to hear and come to terms with that thought. I wished that I could make money full-time by streaming videos and providing content on YouTube channels, but when it came down to it, I wasn't really progressing to my end goal: producing for film. However, this realization helped me to better focus on others and not become so consumed by my public status. It helped me redirect myself back onto the path of achieving my real passions and pursuits of film and ultimately helped me to be a better individual, husband, and father.



During this whole process, Ashley was super supportive, both of my passion to work on small projects like streaming and YouTube, and ultimately deciding not to do any of that anymore. I do not feel necessarily that our marriage was strained by this, however I can say that our marriage was definitely strengthened with the end decision and mindset that came from deciding to reorient myself.

These installments will probably continue from time to time, as I am still experiencing the journey on the way to my career in film. There is still more that I wish to talk about and I will create more entries as I feel like processing/evaluating my life events.

Having an Anniversary on Star Wars Day

Today has been an excellent day for many reasons, but one of them is simply that our anniversary is on arguably on of the nerdiest days of the year, Star Wars Day!

When we first decided to get married, we didn't intentionally pick May 4th as the day we would be sealed. It so happened that we wanted to get married very soon after the semester ended and whenever most of our family would be available to come. That day happened to be May 4th. Can I just say how glad I am that Star Wars Day is our anniversary?

It is super easy to remember and one of the things Ashley and I connected with very early on was our nerdy/geeky/fanatical pursuits. We were talking one day while we were just dating and found out that independently we both wanted to go to Harry Potter World in Universal Orlando for a dream honeymoon to whomever we married. Well, if that's not a sign I don't know what is.

Ashley has been a very patient, kind, and loving wife and mother. She is extremely loyal, which is my most valued quality about her. Besides that, I simply love how much fun we have.

I love the days when we just hang out or are silly during the whole football game. We are best friends, I know everyone says that, but have you met this girl? She's awesome!

Now we have had ups and downs, struggles and triumphs, and we have worked very hard to make our marriage what it is. Guess what? We're still working hard on it.

I love Ashley so much and I love hanging out with her. Tonight for our anniversary, we're going to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens and camp out in our living room. We're going to cook tin foil dinners and we bought a BUNCH of snacks, because truthfully, when you go camping you pack a lot of snacks.

I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for my amazing family. Everyday that goes by, it just seems like things get progressively better.

6 Months

The twins are six months old today! How can they be growing up so fast?? Parenthood is such a weird experience.

Six months calls for a life update.

My journey with twins so far has been an interesting one. Super hard, but also awesome. But I'm not going to sugar coat it. I believe in sharing the raw, real-ness of life experiences. Maybe what I share can uplift someone.

When the twins were first born, I really struggled. Which was very surprising to me, to be honest. All my life, and especially so the last few years, my ultimate desire has been to have children and raise a family. All other aspirations are secondary to that. There's nothing I want more. Then when the twins were born... I struggled. For a number of reasons, I'm sure. I've always had a hard time with change, especially big life changes, even if I wanted them. Also, the post-partum hormones are crazy!! Every little thing for the first few weeks turned me into a crying disaster of a person. And to be frank, I started to question how much I loved the twins. I would never have given them up, but at the same time, I found myself not wanting to be around them. And I questioned how much I really wanted to be their mom after all, which made me feel like a terrible mother.

But you know what I realized? When you go from not having those kind of responsibilities, to being called on by two newborn babies all day and all night, throw in some crazy hormones and a dash of sleep deprivation, and I don't think it's that surprising to feel like you don't want to be around them! In the midst of it, I felt like a terrible mother who didn't love her babies. Looking back, I can just say that newborn babies can be HARD. Motherhood can be HARD. It still is to this day and will continue to be hard for all kinds of reasons as they grow up, but man, those first few months can be rough on a person!

But it does get better. Once they started sleeping better at night, for instance, it changed my life. And while I sometimes miss those tiny, cuddly newborns, it's so fun to have their little personalities starting to come through and see how they interact with the world! Sometimes I swear I can see the learning process take place within them, and it's the best!

And now they're six months old.

This seems off-topic, but I swear it's not, so stay with me. I recently went back to work part-time at Chick-fil-A. It was part of some plans Josh and I made for him going back to school and saving extra money, etc. I felt great about all of it at the time. But when I actually went back to work, I doubted that decision pretty hardcore. There are a number of reasons for both sides of it, but after a lot of discussing, praying, stressing, and fasting, I've decided for now to not keep working after all. It feels weird to have gone back for such a short amount of time before deciding to leave again, but I do feel that it's the best decision for us right now. The good thing that has come from my brief time back is that I have realized how much I LOVE being with my babies. I don't *always* want to be with them, but being their mom and taking care of them, even when it's exhausting, is my favorite thing. Do I still need a break from them once in a while? Yes. Yes I do. But I'll never be able to describe how much I love them, and taking care of them every day is a privilege.

Now, on to some updates about them:

Jacob is no longer a cuddle bug, unless he's SUPER tired. He's still more temperamental than Lauren. He's also still bigger than her. (Their doctor's appointment is in a couple weeks, so I don't have their updated stats.) Jacob is rolling all over the place, which means I have to be careful what I leave down, plugged in to the outlet, etc. It also means, total mobility is just around the corner. I am not thrilled about this. Also since he started rolling over, his favorite position to sleep in on his tummy, often face-down:

Which means he sometimes wakes up like this:

Lauren is full of energy - always kicking, squirming, playing in her jumper, what have you. She smiles easily. She isn't quite rolling over to her tummy, but she's trying. She's also more actively trying to sit up. Like, crunches style. It's pretty funny to watch. She loves to feel things of all different materials, including (but not limited to) our pants, daddy's facial scruff, and Jacob's hair:

They are both still social babies. They like being with people, and are not yet afraid to go to anyone. I'm hoping that as we keep socializing them, they won't go through a mommy-or-daddy-only phase. But I'm a first time mom, I really don't know what to expect.

When they finally started noticing each other, things got really fun. They make each other smile a lot, and are now constantly kicking, grabbing at, and eating each other (welcome to the rest of your lives, kids):

Sometimes people ask me what it's like to have twins. And depending on the day, I probably give different kinds of answers. Some days, it's so rough and they drive me so crazy and I feel like I can't do it anymore. (That's usually when Josh gets home and tells me to take a bath or get out of the house or do whatever I want, while he takes care of the babies. He's the best.) Days filled with spit-ups or blow-outs, or times like this:

(Sorry this is sideways, I haven't figured out how to fix that.)

But then, I also like to say that having twins is awesome. Because you know what? It really is. I'm super lucky to have my twins, and I feel incredibly blessed to be their mom. I really do.

These two are my life, and that's a good thing. I make tons of mistakes as a mom, but I am learning just as they are. Life with twins is messy, but, I mean... who can resist these faces?? :)

Love,

Ashley