Coronavirus news is everywhere. We all know that's the big thing right now, worldwide. It's scary, overwhelming, and who truly knows what all the effects of this pandemic will be, short- and long-term?
I think it's important to find gratitude in our lives, no matter how big or small, and I believe that a lot of good can come from that. But I also am a big believer in allowing yourself to feel what you feel. If you're mad, be mad. If you're grieving, let yourself grieve. Whatever the circumstance is, giving ourselves space to feel what we need to is important.
So here I am.
Don't get me wrong, we're doing fine, we're able to provide for our needs, and the twins don't really know any better. Life as we know it is okay.
But.
Here is some of the not-so-fun stuff that I've been feeling.
I'm anxious. Just this underlying anxiety that never really seems to go away. We have some stability in our home and our lives, but who knows if that could change? Or what about our families? Our friends? Who knows who will be affected, or by how much? How many people might I know who will get sick, or maybe even die, by the end of all this? Or if any of us get sick, what could be the impact on our family? What will the financial future of our families look like? What about that of our country? And what will it mean for all of us moving forward?
And what if the effects are far-reaching enough that food and essential supplies become scarce? More-so than what is happening with panic-buying and stocking up. What if it becomes legitimately hard to find what we need to survive? Is that even a possibility? Because thinking about that scares me.
I miss my family. I live far away from most of them anyway, and there are lots of ways that we stay connected thanks to technology, but knowing that you have to be isolated while there is so much going on in the world, it feels like it just brings out how much I miss them even more. I wish I could be with them.
I'm also worried about Josh's mental health. We've mostly adjusted to him working from home, but I know it wears on him to never go out. And I know a lot of this is hard on him in other ways. What if everything compounds and his depression and anxiety take a turn for the worse? His mental illnesses have taken us down some very dark roads, and I'm terrified of that happening here and now.
And I wish I had a little baby. It feels like I'm grieving a baby I don't have yet (which feels both similar and different compared to the grief I have about Matthew). I never thought when we started trying to get pregnant again back at the end of 2017 that we'd still be waiting. I know it's not an easy time to be pregnant or be giving birth, but it still hurts. And having fertility treatments cancelled doesn't help. I just wish I had a baby to be holed up with, to snuggle, to spend my energy taking care of, to shower with love. I'm emotionally tired and I hate that aching in my arms and my heart.
I believe that things will be okay, one way or another. But there is a lot of hard in the meantime.
Whatever you are feeling is valid. Hang in there, you're not alone. ♥
Love,
Ashley
Thursday, April 2, 2020
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Life Updates
Wow. It's been 1.5+ years since my last blog post. I guess that's what happens when you share stuff mostly on social media, right?
One of the big things going on right now is that Josh applied for a promotion at work. This position feels like it would be such a good fit for Josh, better for his mental health (arguably the most important feature, especially for us), and of course, better pay. ;) It's been a slow process and we've heard that the positions may have been filled at this point, though we haven't confirmed that. So, even if he doesn't get it this time around, he'll apply again when it becomes available again, because they apparently regularly have openings as the company takes on more clients. So though we'd obviously love for him to get the position now, we're still optimistic about him getting it sometime in the future.
The other big thing going on right now is that I recently officially started fertility treatments due to secondary infertility. We'd been trying for over 2 years, and finally visited Utah Fertility Clinic in Pleasant Grove. We love it there already! We started with a bunch of testing - blood tests, semen analysis, etc - and everything was good with all that stuff, so I got started on treatments that would lead up to IUI. So far this has included prescriptions, a vaginal ultrasound, a water ultrasound, and an HSG. P.S. the water ultrasound and HSG are NOT pleasant. But they're manageable. P.P.S. the twins are learning a lot by going to appointments with me, haha. ;)
When they did the water ultrasound and followed up with the HSG, they found some tissue in my uterus that shouldn't be there, probably scar tissue. It's not necessarily the cause of my secondary infertility, but taking care of it does improve our chances of getting pregnant and keeping that pregnancy as we continue with treatment. So we stopped me where I was in my current round of treatment, and I went in yesterday for a hysteroscopy (no, not a hysterectomy!). Basically they knock you out, go in with a camera, and then surgically remove anything that shouldn't be there. Now I just have to wait for my next period again to start treatments over again. Thankfully Josh's work allows him a certain amount of days paid leave for emergency-type medical whatever, and apparently this falls under that, so he was able to take yesterday and today off to get me to and from the procedure and then help at home while I recover. I'm super thankful for that. <3
That's all the big stuff right now! The twins are crazy, cuddly, opinionated, spirited 4-year-olds, and that keeps us plenty busy beyond our other obligations. And we love it.
Love,
Ashley
One of the big things going on right now is that Josh applied for a promotion at work. This position feels like it would be such a good fit for Josh, better for his mental health (arguably the most important feature, especially for us), and of course, better pay. ;) It's been a slow process and we've heard that the positions may have been filled at this point, though we haven't confirmed that. So, even if he doesn't get it this time around, he'll apply again when it becomes available again, because they apparently regularly have openings as the company takes on more clients. So though we'd obviously love for him to get the position now, we're still optimistic about him getting it sometime in the future.
The other big thing going on right now is that I recently officially started fertility treatments due to secondary infertility. We'd been trying for over 2 years, and finally visited Utah Fertility Clinic in Pleasant Grove. We love it there already! We started with a bunch of testing - blood tests, semen analysis, etc - and everything was good with all that stuff, so I got started on treatments that would lead up to IUI. So far this has included prescriptions, a vaginal ultrasound, a water ultrasound, and an HSG. P.S. the water ultrasound and HSG are NOT pleasant. But they're manageable. P.P.S. the twins are learning a lot by going to appointments with me, haha. ;)
When they did the water ultrasound and followed up with the HSG, they found some tissue in my uterus that shouldn't be there, probably scar tissue. It's not necessarily the cause of my secondary infertility, but taking care of it does improve our chances of getting pregnant and keeping that pregnancy as we continue with treatment. So we stopped me where I was in my current round of treatment, and I went in yesterday for a hysteroscopy (no, not a hysterectomy!). Basically they knock you out, go in with a camera, and then surgically remove anything that shouldn't be there. Now I just have to wait for my next period again to start treatments over again. Thankfully Josh's work allows him a certain amount of days paid leave for emergency-type medical whatever, and apparently this falls under that, so he was able to take yesterday and today off to get me to and from the procedure and then help at home while I recover. I'm super thankful for that. <3
That's all the big stuff right now! The twins are crazy, cuddly, opinionated, spirited 4-year-olds, and that keeps us plenty busy beyond our other obligations. And we love it.
Love,
Ashley
Sunday, July 8, 2018
The Heat of Summer
Well we're in the heat of summer now. I think anything over 80 degrees is gross, so yeah, I'm ready for summer to be done haha. ;)
It's been a super busy month!
We had a family reunion of sorts in Arizona. We got to see Josh's grandpa, dad, aunt, siblings, cousins, and any other relatives I'm forgetting at the moment, and it was a lot of fun! The twins did NOT like the drive, so that part was... well, it's over now. But they LOVED staying in a hotel, seeing family so much, swimming, and getting way more interaction and stimulation than they do when we're just at home. And they even did great sleeping in the hotel, which I was pretty nervous about! So, success. We all had a great time. :)
During the drive back to Utah we made a spontaneous decision to make a stop at the Grand Canyon. It was kind of on the way, neither of us had been before, and we had never had such a great opportunity to go. It set us back quite a bit getting home, and that drive sucked, but it was totally worth it. You guys, every picture I took looked so lame compared to the view I took in in person. Seriously, every time I took a picture I'd tell Josh, "these all look so lame compared to real life!" I get it now. I totally do.
Nevertheless, I DO have a few pictures to share, so here we go. ;)
We also got to see my brother, sister-in-law, and a few of their kids. It was brief, but so fun! :)
Truthfully though, I think their favorite part was seeing "Dory" in the fish tank in the waiting room. Haha!
The twins love staying busy, and it's probably good for us too. We can hardly keep up with their energy... and their emotions. Just saying. Good thing they're so cute though. ;)
And now... the heatiest heat of summer. We'll try to stay busy, but it's harder to be outside much unless there's water. I saw this meme the other day, and it's literally how it has felt, haha.
It's been a super busy month!
We had a family reunion of sorts in Arizona. We got to see Josh's grandpa, dad, aunt, siblings, cousins, and any other relatives I'm forgetting at the moment, and it was a lot of fun! The twins did NOT like the drive, so that part was... well, it's over now. But they LOVED staying in a hotel, seeing family so much, swimming, and getting way more interaction and stimulation than they do when we're just at home. And they even did great sleeping in the hotel, which I was pretty nervous about! So, success. We all had a great time. :)
During the drive back to Utah we made a spontaneous decision to make a stop at the Grand Canyon. It was kind of on the way, neither of us had been before, and we had never had such a great opportunity to go. It set us back quite a bit getting home, and that drive sucked, but it was totally worth it. You guys, every picture I took looked so lame compared to the view I took in in person. Seriously, every time I took a picture I'd tell Josh, "these all look so lame compared to real life!" I get it now. I totally do.
Nevertheless, I DO have a few pictures to share, so here we go. ;)
 |
The twins had their very first dentist appointment in June too! The office we went to was pretty great, very kid-friendly, and the hygienists even made balloon animals for them to take home! How awesome is that?
Truthfully though, I think their favorite part was seeing "Dory" in the fish tank in the waiting room. Haha!
On the Fourth of July we went to a community barbecue hosted by the LGBTQ community in Provo, which was pretty fun! We got stickers, flags, played with beach balls, and most importantly, got free food. ;) AND, that night the Stadium of Fire didn't even wake up the twins! All in all, a great Fourth of July.
Besides that, I've been cramming in play dates for the summer to enjoy the outdoors, let the twins play with their favorite friend, and to hang out with my best mom friend - I'm going to be *devastated* when they move next month, so I try not to think about it too much and we're just packing in the play time while we can.
The twins love staying busy, and it's probably good for us too. We can hardly keep up with their energy... and their emotions. Just saying. Good thing they're so cute though. ;)
And now... the heatiest heat of summer. We'll try to stay busy, but it's harder to be outside much unless there's water. I saw this meme the other day, and it's literally how it has felt, haha.
On that note, I'm out.
Love,
Ashley
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Summer Is Here
I haven't posted since the new year, but oh well! Summer is officially here, and I'm sad because I no longer like the heat. BUT, I'm trying to take advantage of the twins playing outside, because they LOVE being outside and it's probably good for me once in a while too. ;)
Earlier this month I visited my little sister Chanelle and her husband Brooks, and got to see their baby girl finally - it's still crazy to me that my baby sister had a baby! Josh was amazing and took care of the twins for the better part of four days while I had a fun getaway! Thanks Josh! We hung out, watched TV, played Pokemon Trading Card Game Online, and held the cutest little baby girl ^_^
A couple weeks later, my cousin got married and I got to see some of my family as they came into town for the wedding (everything was gorgeous!). It was so fun to see my parents and a handful of my siblings, I just wish I could've seen them for longer!
Jacob also tried Virtual Reality for the first time, and it was the most adorable thing ever! <3
My brother Cody, his wife Miranda, and their baby boy moved back to Utah and we got to visit them earlier this week! It was really fun to see them and see how much their little man has grown! And the twins loved playing outside. :)
We've also loved having play dates and overall we're just trying to get out and have fun!
And of course, having fun can be oh-so-tiring.
Life marches on, and we're trying to make our path. Josh is applying for jobs, I'm working my job, and we're taking one day at a time. Bring on the summer fun!
Love,
Ashley
Earlier this month I visited my little sister Chanelle and her husband Brooks, and got to see their baby girl finally - it's still crazy to me that my baby sister had a baby! Josh was amazing and took care of the twins for the better part of four days while I had a fun getaway! Thanks Josh! We hung out, watched TV, played Pokemon Trading Card Game Online, and held the cutest little baby girl ^_^
A couple weeks later, my cousin got married and I got to see some of my family as they came into town for the wedding (everything was gorgeous!). It was so fun to see my parents and a handful of my siblings, I just wish I could've seen them for longer!
Jacob also tried Virtual Reality for the first time, and it was the most adorable thing ever! <3
My brother Cody, his wife Miranda, and their baby boy moved back to Utah and we got to visit them earlier this week! It was really fun to see them and see how much their little man has grown! And the twins loved playing outside. :)
We've also loved having play dates and overall we're just trying to get out and have fun!
And of course, having fun can be oh-so-tiring.
Life marches on, and we're trying to make our path. Josh is applying for jobs, I'm working my job, and we're taking one day at a time. Bring on the summer fun!
Love,
Ashley
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Goodbye 2017
As the year ends and we move into 2018, I just hope that it's a better year for us.
As I stated in a Facebook post today:
"What's on my mind this New Year's Eve?
It's been a long year. And a hard year. There will always be hard things in every year, but... man this year felt rough. I'm definitely in the camps of "Good riddance 2017" and "2018 NEEDS to be a better year or I can't take it."
Sometimes it's hard for me not to dwell on the negatives and feel jealous of others or sorry for myself, but that's one of the things I'm working on. Being grateful for the good things. Finding happy things amidst the hard.
Because there ARE happy things.
Some of the most obvious happy things in my life are, of course, our twins. They take an awful lot of our energy and patience, but at the end of the day, they are the ones that keep me going. I mean... look at those faces.
Anyway, however your year has been, whatever you're looking forward to in the new year, I hope it's a good one. That's my hope for myself, for my family, and for everyone.
"
With that being said, I would like to share recent pictures of our lives to close up the year.
We visited my sister and brother-in-law (Chanelle and Brooks) in Idaho for Thanksgiving:
We went and saw the Christmas lights in Downtown Provo:
I got a major hair cut:
We saw a musical of A Christmas Carol:
We played in the first decent snow of the year (giving us a white Christmas!):
And enjoyed these cute faces:
And with that, I'm out! Goodbye 2017, make way for 2018!
Love,
Ashley
As I stated in a Facebook post today:
"What's on my mind this New Year's Eve?
It's been a long year. And a hard year. There will always be hard things in every year, but... man this year felt rough. I'm definitely in the camps of "Good riddance 2017" and "2018 NEEDS to be a better year or I can't take it."
Sometimes it's hard for me not to dwell on the negatives and feel jealous of others or sorry for myself, but that's one of the things I'm working on. Being grateful for the good things. Finding happy things amidst the hard.
Because there ARE happy things.
Some of the most obvious happy things in my life are, of course, our twins. They take an awful lot of our energy and patience, but at the end of the day, they are the ones that keep me going. I mean... look at those faces.
Anyway, however your year has been, whatever you're looking forward to in the new year, I hope it's a good one. That's my hope for myself, for my family, and for everyone.
"With that being said, I would like to share recent pictures of our lives to close up the year.
We visited my sister and brother-in-law (Chanelle and Brooks) in Idaho for Thanksgiving:
We went and saw the Christmas lights in Downtown Provo:
I got a major hair cut:
We saw a musical of A Christmas Carol:
We played in the first decent snow of the year (giving us a white Christmas!):
And enjoyed these cute faces:
And with that, I'm out! Goodbye 2017, make way for 2018!
Love,
Ashley
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