October Wrap-Up

Okay, I haven't posted here since the Christmas card from last year, and my next post will probably be the next Christmas card. Oh well! Mostly I just wanted to share stuff from October because this year our October was jam-packed.

At the beginning on the month we flew out to to Orlando, FL to visit Disney World and Universal for Josh's sister's quinceañera. It was a whirlwind trip with amazing memories and fun family time!

Our flight out was cancelled last minute so long story short, we ended up flying first class on a different flight instead. It was incredible and the twins lived their best life!

After getting to Orlando, the next day we spend with Josh's dad. That included Chuck-E-Cheese which the twins loved.

Day 2 was Disney World, most of which we spent in the Magic Kingdom. We had the twins watch a bunch of classic Disney movies to prepare, which they ended up loving, and which ended up making the park extra fun because of all the things they now recognized!

The twins loved taking the ferry from the parking lot to the park!

The main features at the entrance had legit lines for taking pictures, so we just snapped one off to the side when we got in the park.

So fun to see the castle, and even more fun that we were there during the 50th Anniversary celebration!

This one was a smaller roller coaster for kids, but it was surprisingly rough. We convinced them to try Space Mountain later, but that was even worse. Lauren ended up loving it anyway, but Jacob cried the whole time. We didn't make him try any other roller coasters after that.

This was more of a gentle, see all around the park ride, and it was more fun than I was expecting!

Lauren really wanted to see some Disney characters while we were in the park, which we weren't sure whether that would happen and we weren't about to wait for a meet-and-greet. Thankfully we stumbled upon the Festival of Fantasy Parade and we got to see lots characters!

We let the twins each pick out a hat or pair of ears, and they settled on these ones. So cute!

After spending most of the day in Magic Kingdom, we had to stop in Hollywood Studios to visit the Star Wars attractions.

It was amazing to see the Millennium Falcon and just the sites around the area!

Had to snap a pick of Josh and the twins all in their Mandalorian/Baby Yoda shirts once we got to the Star Wars stuff!

Blurry, but I had to take a quick picture of us in the queue for the Smuggler's run!

Day 3 was spent at Universal, which we split between the Universal Studios park and Islands of Adventure. It was an extra special visit for me and Josh because Harry Potter World was where we went for our honeymoon. We've talked about going back for our 10-year anniversary (which is next year), especially because they have since added Diagon Alley and we've been dying to go. It's really different spending the time there with kids, but it was still amazing to be there! Plus the twins are now really into Harry Potter after watching the first movie before the trip.

The obligatory photo of the Gringotts dragon breathing fire, because it's legitimately really cool.

I believe this was in line for the Transformers ride. It was a fun one.

We happened upon an appearance by Bumblebee not long afterwards, too!

The twins also got to take a photo with a Minion after the Minions ride!

The twins each picked out an interactive wand, and the interactive spots can be tricky but we got things to work a couple of times.

Hogwarts ♥

The twins had a blast during the trip and they got totally spoiled too. It's exhausting going to theme parks with small kids, but so worth it. And they're at just the right age for it too. ♥

After the trip was Josh's birthday, then we squeezed in a visit to my parents, then toward the end of the month was the twins' birthday. Josh's mom was able to visit us for a couple days right around their birthday, and they even got to stay in the hotel with her!

For their birthday this year we took them to the aquarium's penguin encounter, where you get to see the penguins up close and feed them. They both love penguins (especially Jacob) and it was such a fun surprise for them! (I only wished we could've pet them, but it wasn't allowed :)

Feeding the penguins went by really quickly but was really fun.

After they ate, we just got to hang out and watch them while they came in and out of the room and played around. They were so cute!

I still can't believe they're 7, but time marches on ♥

Of course after their birthday comes Halloween, and to finish out the month, we visited Cornbelly's on November 1st. October was busy, but full of good stuff. :)

Love,

Ashley

Roth Family Christmas Letter 2021

♦ Happy New Year ♦

I meant to get this done as a Christmas letter but I didn't have the mental energy until now, so let's just call it a New Year letter! 2021 was one heck of a year. It was another particularly rough year for our family, but there was definitely good in there too. Here is the big stuff.

As most of you know, we were going through fertility treatments including IUI and IVF that ultimately led to a dead end, and we eventually decided this year to close that part of our journey. It was a heartbreaking decision, but one we feel comfortable with. We remain grateful beyond words for having the twins before facing infertility as well as for the incredible love and support that we experienced.

We have also had a number of big medical events this year. The biggest was Josh having a seizure. It was of course a big ordeal and I'm so grateful that we were around family at the time. He is back on seizure meds now and things seem to be going fine, so hopefully that remains the case! He also had a particularly bad kidney stone that resulted in multiple emergency room visits as well as surgery.

In our more daily lives our trials range from mental health struggles to financial strain to parenting and general life stuff. Now let's move on to the good stuff!

Josh got a new job this year doing Amazon delivery. It's very physical and sometimes that really manifests (knees for sure), but it's been a good job so far. it's straightforward and he gets to do his thing as long as the work gets done. He also built a new computer from scratch for the first time. Ashley got a new at-home job as a web rater. It's more intensive than her other at-home work, but it's been a great addition. She also stepped down from being a moderator for the Utah Chapter of Mormon Women for Ethical Government for now.

Lauren and Jacob started Kindergarten this year, and they are crushing it. They are thriving academically and socially, they have made lots of friends, and their favorite part of school is the bus ride. I put them in the same class for now, because I can't imagine them being apart, but maybe that will change over the years.

Lauren loves unicorns, pink, purple, turquoise, and anything sparkly. She is a friend to everyone and is a natural leader in that she is not afraid to direct people when playing games and things - sometimes that translates to bossy when she's coming on especially strong, but I hope she never loses that spark.

Jacob loves red, orange, and yellow because those are "lava colors", and also rainbow. He is also obsessed with penguins as well as anything cute - I don't think I've met someone who loves cute things more than he does. He is so sweet and always tries to cheer people up, and is as curious about the world as ever.

We've felt so much love and support in our lives this year. We are especially grateful for the love and comfort we find in Christ. We love you all dearly, and wish you the best year available to you. ♥

First Day of School

The twins had their first ever first day of school today. I can't believe they're in Kindergarten already. It feels like a whole new phase of parenthood to have kids in school. My thoughts on all of this are probably a bit disjointed, so bear with me ;)

I had hoped that this school year would be normal compared to last year, and it is a bit, but with everything how it is right now we are still sending them to school with masks. They don't love it but thankfully we have some fun ones for them to wear, and their teacher will help them if they have trouble putting them on or anything. I wish the pandemic wasn't the way it is, but until then, we are doing our best with the situation.

They've been so excited to start school, especially after meeting their teacher and seeing their classroom. Recently it's been "x more tomorrows until school!" every day. I had them start with being in the same class together in Kindergarten, and we'll see how things progress from there for if/when they eventually do separate. It's been comforting to know that they'll have each other for now.

Although honestly, I have nothing to worry about. They're old for their grade, they're smart kids, they're good at listening to teachers, and they make friends so fast. They're going to be fine. I know that.

But they're also my babies. Thinking of them riding the bus, going to school, and ultimately starting a new phase of life where they gradually rely on me less and have to figure things out for themselves, it's a lot. I don't know what will be too new, hard, or scary to them. And this might sound dramatic, but I also know that in a way this is the beginning of the end. Over the years they will come to rely on themselves and their friends and need me less. That's what we want, but it's still a lot. (And I can't help thinking of the song There Goes My Life by Kenny Chesney, give it a listen if you feel like crying)

I was excited to take the typical first day of school pictures though! I can't wait to see how they progress through the years.

She wanted to take a picture like this too, and she added Movie Maker to her dream jobs :)

Sending them off on the bus this morning was really cute. Their backpacks are at least half the size of their bodies. And they already have some friends in their class. They got to play with a friend for a bit while waiting for the bus, and then when they were getting on they all held hands. I can't handle that amount of cuteness!!

It's also a complicated feeling in other ways, sending them off to their first day of school. I'm reminded that that's a milestone we never got to have with Matthew. And I always thought I'd have other sibling(s) in tow as we sent them off and welcomed them home, that they'd be so excited to see them and that I would get more individual time with the younger one(s) in the meantime. Of course none of that came to be.

Instead, this is our first *and* last time sending kids to school for the first time. It's mostly sweet, but still bittersweet.

Ultimately though, I'm excited for the twins and excited to see them keep learning and growing. These kids, you guys. They are my heart. ♥

Love,
Ashley

Infertility Awareness Week - What Our Experience Has Been Like

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Having secondary infertility has affected my life very deeply, and to spread awareness and understanding I decided to put together this post about what secondary infertility has really been like. It's one of the hardest things I've been faced with. It’s important to note that everybody’s experience with infertility is unique and personal, so while I am sure there are commonalities with my experience, I also don’t speak for everyone who has been here.

What is it like to have secondary infertility and be unable to have more children?

It’s buying so many ovulation tests that never seem to help enough to get pregnant on our own.
It’s buying so many pregnancy tests that always turn up negative.
It’s getting your hopes up every time your period is even a little bit late, only to be crushed when it shows up month after month.
It’s trying to get pregnant for years while watching friends and family continue adding kids to their families.
It’s remembering how much you loved feeling the movements inside the womb, and never getting to feel that again.
It’s anticipating the excitement of pregnancy when you are getting ready to add to your family, only to be more and more heartbroken that that never comes.
It’s waiting to see how your family dynamics will change when you add more children, only for things to never change.
It’s talking about the fun ways you and your spouse might want to announce a pregnancy, and never getting to use any of them.
It’s imagining the bond that your current children will create as they meet and get to know their baby brother(s) or sister(s), and never being able to experience it.
It’s hearing your kids talk about how they want to have more siblings that they can play with, and wishing you could have given that to them years ago.
It’s keeping all of your baby clothes for years for your future children only to have to get rid of them without ever using them again.
It’s giving yourself so many shots and feeling a bigger emotional toll from it than you expected.
It’s having all the fun taken out of sex as it becomes more of a chore for both of you because of the pressure and timing.
It's all the testing and procedures and never determining a cause for your infertility.
It’s the mood swings of hormones from medications.
It’s bruising and puncture marks all over your belly from injections.
It’s getting your hopes up with every IUI cycle, only for it to fail time after time.
It’s getting your hopes even higher when you try IVF, only to be crushed when even that doesn’t work.
It’s crying at the doctor or on the phone because once again you received bad news.
It’s paying thousands of dollars for fertility treatments and coming up with nothing.
It’s imagining for years the complete family you want to have someday, only to ultimately learn that you can’t have any more kids.

(Pictured: all the syringes from my self-injections)

It’s loving your little family with all of your heart, and also feeling like it will never feel complete.
It’s feeling jealous and bitter about friends and family having babies while you can’t, and feeling guilty that you feel that way because you also love them, are genuinely happy for them, and would never blame them for having more kids and would never want them to not be able to.
It’s looking forward to trying again to breastfeed because having twins as your first was too overwhelming to keep it up, only to never get to try again.
It’s hoping that maybe next you will have one baby because you never got to feel the magic of devoting yourself to one tiny infant without worrying about another infant, and never getting to experience that.
It’s people telling you that maybe when you take a break it will happen, and that never being the case.
It’s having random meltdowns because something (big or small) triggered your grief.
It’s picturing your kids in your old baby swings and bouncers as you assemble them to sell and aching to see babies in them again.
It’s not bothering to go through any of your baby clothes as you sell them because when you tried to you ended up cradling them like a baby and crying.
It’s not pursuing more extensive options to grow your family because it’s too much financially and emotionally, but having to navigate the deep emotional impact of being done.
It’s having a list of baby names you and your spouse want to use and never getting to use them.

It's planning on things like walking with a baby to the bus stop to greet their older siblings home from school, only for those plans to never be realized.  
It’s dealing with the normal emotions of having had your last children, without getting to cherish any “lasts” because you never thought you wouldn’t be able to have more.
It’s feeling overwhelming loneliness even though you have a great support system, because infertility has a way of just always feeling lonely and isolating.
It’s not fully relating to those who have primary infertility because at least you had some kids before being infertile, while also not relating to those who haven’t had any infertility problems.
It’s feeling so grateful for the family that you have, while simultaneously being so heartbroken over not being able to have any more.
It’s holding on to the hope that eventually it will work out, and it never does.
It’s never being able to see your kids be helpers for a new baby.
It’s having to unfollow people you love because seeing all the pregnancy and baby announcements and pictures hurts too much.
It’s crying in the shower, crying when you go shopping, crying any time that the grief hits.
It’s trying for years and years to have more children and never having them.
It’s being absolutely certain that there are more children waiting to join your family, and then being just as certain that it’s okay to be done, and not knowing how to reconcile that.

It’s feeling not okay and not knowing how to be okay.

Infertility sucks.  



Love,
Ashley

Our Infertility Journey: A Different Path

Our infertility journey has turned out to be a really complicated one. Many of you know some of our recent updates either from GoFundMe or from me posting on Facebook, but to bring it all together this is what we had shared at that time:

"Our first round of IVF didn’t go like we hoped. I went through the daily injections for almost the whole round of meds, leading up to the egg retrieval, only for my body to decide to ovulate on its own (despite the medication that was supposed to prevent that). Without being able to fully prep for and time ovulation for egg retrieval, we were not able to do the retrieval at all and instead tried to salvage it with another IUI. You never know, right? Unfortunately that still didn’t work, so we ended up back at square one, just with a bunch less money spent on the medications I had been taking.

Saying that it was devastating is an understatement.

We’ve had some appointments between then and now, and are starting another attempt at IVF. This has not been an easy road but we continue to have faith. We ask for continued prayers and well-wishes as we move forward with this again. We appreciate everyone so much for their love and support, and are beyond grateful for the incredible generosity we have felt!!"

That brings us to our follow-up attempt at IVF. One of the things we discovered through the various testing we had done between cycles was that I have extremely low AMH. Like, absurdly low. Especially for someone my age. What this indicates is basically that I have very low ovarian reserves, a.k.a. not a lot of eggs left to work with. Based on this and my body's response to the last round of meds, my doctor put me on an almost entirely different round of medications for my new IVF cycle (what is referred to as a "min stim" cycle), that tends to have better results than the typical meds I was on for the previous IVF cycle. All of this information was very scary to me and what it might mean moving forward, but we were also hopeful that now that we knew about an issue we could work with it better.

So I started with my new IVF cycle, and as I took my daily meds (which included way less shots than previously, so that was a bright spot) and as I had my regular appointments of ultrasounds and blood tests to track my progress, we still ran into problems. Ultimately we discovered that my ovaries weren't very responsive to the medications, similar to the previous cycle. With the various meds and dosages that we had tried up to this point and based on what we continued to see at my appointments, my body just wasn't responsive to the meds and IVF was no longer a viable option for us.

This was heartbreaking news. We felt so hopeful about this path, and knowing it was another dead end was so hard to learn. At this point we were told that if we wanted to continue, our best options now were using an egg donor or doing embryo adoption. They both have their own high expenses and complicated paths, but they could be viable options for us.

However, after lots of discussion, pondering, prayer, etc., we agreed that we were both ready to be done. The toll that the highs and lows from fertility treatments has been heavy, financially and especially emotionally, and we can only keep it up for so long. We both feel at peace with this decision, though there is still *a lot* of heartbreak that comes with it.

This decision and our new journey brings a new mountain of grief that we will learn to navigate together. There is a lot to grieve when we hoped for so many years to bring more children into our family, and we will probably carry that grief with us for a long time.

But there is also gratitude wrapped up in this journey. We are so thankful to everyone in our lives who has been so loving and supportive to us in every way. None of it has gone unnoticed or unappreciated. And I thank God every day that he sent us the twins, because I couldn't imagine coming to this point and them not having each other. We will grieve, yes, but we are also so grateful for the little family that we have now. ♥



Love,
Ashley

Roth Family Christmas Card & Letter 2020

We sent out our Christmas cards only digitally this year to save on money, but wanted to share here too. If you're reading this, we love you and wish all the best. Here is our Christmas card and letter for 2020:

What a year this has been, right?? All around us there has been political strife, social unrest, economic hardship, and of course the global pandemic. That’s enough to make anyone’s year a challenging one.

For us personally, even with all of that aside this was one of our hardest years to date. Among other challenges, some of the harder things that we’ve been open about include a suicide attempt followed by hospitalization and another year of no successful pregnancy, including miscarriage and failed IUI cycles.

But there is good too! Josh got a new mental health diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) along with new doctors, therapies, medications, and even a few workplace accommodations. As always it’s a long road, but we’ve seen a lot of good there too. And with my secondary infertility, we have decided to move on to IVF - a very big deal! Granted, it felt like a big deal to start any fertility treatments, but going from IUI to IVF there is a lot more to it. It’s not cheap and it sucks to anticipate that when we’ve been working to save for a bigger car and a house, but it’s also much more likely to result in a pregnancy so we’re hopeful. We are also so grateful to continue to have steady incomes this past year, even if there were some hits to our income. We’ve been able to provide for our needs, and we are so grateful for that.

Josh has gotten more crafty this year - he’s been making trinkets for his Dungeons and Dragons group in his spare time that involves woodworking, woodburning, using epoxy resin, and other exciting stuff. He also still streams on Twitch pretty regularly and loves unwinding by playing games with his friends and family. He is still working at Visa, and has had a mix of working from home and working at the office.

This year Ashley became a moderator for a chapter of the organization ‘Mormon Women for Ethical Government’ - a non-partisan group for Latter-day Saint women that focuses on advocacy, peacemaking, media literacy, and ethical government. Ashley has been very active in a lot of political scenes as well as loving her church calling in coordinating service and meals for others who are in need. She also still works from home as a virtual assistant, doing a bunch of computer and social media stuff.

The twins haven’t stopped growing up, despite our pleas. They have a lot of shared interests, including stickers, video games, riding their balance bikes or scooters outside, and playing pretend together.

Lauren has been conditioned since birth to like the color pink, and she has embraced that in full force. She loves everything pink, as well as all things unicorn. She loves imaginative play, is more or less content to do her own thing, loves to sing to herself, is obsessed with taking pictures, and wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s a total Daddy’s girl and reminds me of that regularly. ;)

Jacob loves anything rainbow. He has laser-sharp focus on whatever interests him, often not noticing anything else when he’s doing something he loves. He has big emotions that we are still learning how to manage, is growing more determined at trying things he’s afraid of, and prefers to play with others over doing anything alone. He is super attached to Mama, and I’m soaking it up.

We’ve felt so much love and support in our lives this year. We are especially grateful for the love and comfort we find in Christ. We love you all dearly, and wish you the best holiday available to you. ♥

Infertility Journey Update: Hope and Loss

So we were able to start fertility treatments up again this summer, and got started with the IUI process. I will spare you all the details of how each cycle works, but I just have to say that giving myself shots is 100% terrifying. I've been able to do it, but only out of sheer force of love for our future kid(s).

So we've been doing IUI cycles, and each time we do I think, maybe this is finally it. With this help, maybe this month won't be yet another in the long line of disappointing months of the years. And we've had negative results, which are always heartbreaking in their own right. Because *infertility sucks*.

Last week, however, we found out that our most recent IUI cycle ended with a positive pregnancy test - we were shocked, and thrilled! And the timing couldn't have been better - my mom and dad were visiting the day after I got the news, plus the day I found out was her birthday (September 1st), and all of it lined up in a very fun and exciting way. The catch was that the hCG level, while definitely in the positive range, was lower than the clinic would like it to be, so they were going to test again in two days. If it doubled after two days, that was indicative of a growing pregnancy; if it stayed the same or lowered, it could be a sign of a miscarriage.

With that knowledge, I knew that we weren't technically in the clear yet, but I also didn't think that there would end up being a problem. With my last two pregnancies, I wasn't able to detect them with home pregnancy tests until later than most people are able to, which is especially surprising with twins. So as far as I can tell, I have a history of starting my pregnancies with lower hCG without it meaning anything is wrong. So, I reasoned, that's what was likely to be the case here.

I made "big brother" and "big sister" T-shirts for the twins to wear to surprise my parents, I downloaded a pregnancy app, I calculated about when I'd be due - in May, the same month Matthew was due. I realized I'd be able to wear the "due in May" shirt I bought when I was pregnant with him, and that brought comfort to me after keeping it for all those years since losing him.

We didn't tell many other people in the meantime, just in case, and would wait until after my next appointment when we would test my hCG again. But it was fun talking with my parents about how we might set up a new baby logistically in our apartment and fun ways we might announce the pregnancy.

You can guess where this is going.

I had my follow-up blood test, and the result was that my hCG hadn't changed. It wasn't a growing pregnancy. It was a biochemical pregnancy - basically, a very early miscarriage. The egg was fertilized, but either didn't quite implant or didn't grow properly, and didn't stick around.

To say we were heartbroken is an understatement. The tears came quicker and and fell harder than they have in a while. Josh held me while I cried (sobbed) into him, but I know it cut him just as deeply as it cut me.

I wished I had never gotten a positive in the first place, even though that would've been a hard result in its own right. But now I had let myself get excited, I had begun to imagine and talk about a future for our family with this new baby. And just as quickly, it was gone. The hole in my heart felt bigger and emptier than it has in a long time.

If I felt broken from my secondary infertility in the first place - and I did - I now felt like all those cracks just fell apart.

(Illustration by Conrad Roset for Marie Claire magazine)

We will find healing as we grieve. We know that from experience. And we will move forward with our fertility treatments. We will have hope, and we will not give up.

But man...


Infertility is a b****.

Miscarriage is a b****.


Love,
Ashley