The Closing of 2014 - Not What I Expected

I have been contemplating lately what I should say in a public setting about my thoughts and feelings lately. What is appropriate to post on Facebook, what is appropriate to say here. What should I hold back, what should I share. Some things I want to say but worry that others will be put off by negativity. But I've decided that in the end, this is my blog, and though it is available publicly, I am still free to share what I want without needing to fear the reactions of others.

As most of you know, I lost my child earlier this month. I gave birth to Matthew, my little gift from God, on the morning of December 4th. He was stillborn. It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I felt at the hospital and during the days that have followed since.

As the year is coming to a close, I am seeing a lot of people posting about how 2014 has been. Lots of those little Facebook slideshows that have the year in review. And they almost always say, "It's been a great year!" As I have reflected on my year, I'm left feeling emptiness and sadness. I was expecting to be able to call 2014 a great year. But losing my baby tore away all those dreams that I had. Now I look back at how excited I was to be pregnant and looking forward to having that child, and all I can think is how it should have been. My baby bump should be showing, and I would be proud of it. I should be feeling his precious movements. I should be buying cute newborn clothes and setting up his things.

And there are so many things I will forever be left wondering about: what would he have looked like? Would his hair be dark like Josh's? Would it be curly or straight? Would he have our brown eyes or get our recessive blue? Would he be a mild-mannered baby? Would he become a rambunctious toddler? It doesn't seem fair. I would never get to rock him to sleep, cradled in my arms. I would never get to sing him a lullaby. I am his mother, yet I would never get to mother him.

So when I look at the year 2014, it is with a heavy heart, full of great sadness and a longing that will never be filled. The turning of the year is a reminder of all the year should have brought, and all the dreams that came with it. That I went home from the hospital that day with broken dreams and empty arms. And though time is the great healer, that pain will always remain.


Fortunately, in the midst of grief and tragedy, hope can still be found.

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we will be reunited with our precious boy again. Because of Him, we are and will always be a family, even if I can't be with Matthew at this time. Because of Him, the pain of being without my boy in this life will be but a brief moment compared to the joy of eternity.

~ Ashley

You Are Never Alone

Please take a moment to watch this before you read on:

None Were with Him

With the recent loss of our son Matthew, I have had time to reflect on a lot of things. I have suffered with depression for a major portion of my life. I know what it is to suffer grief and loss; to feel empty inside; to suddenly feel emotion for no reason at all; and to lose motivation and hope.

I feel that with this trial we continue to face, there will be light at the end of the tunnel...there is hope.

During a routine check-up appointment with Ashley's OBGYN, we were so excited to hear the heartbeat of our little child. Through the first trimester of pregnancy and into the start of the second, there is no other sensible sign that your baby is alive other than getting you get to hear your child's heartbeat with the aid of a fetal doppler during doctor visits. Sometimes it takes a while to locate the child as they move around and sometimes are in unexpected places. This had happened in a previous visit, so when the doctor had trouble locating a heartbeat, I wasn't too worried. It wasn't until the doctor had been searching for what seemed like fifteen minutes and told us that he wanted to have an ultrasound done so that we could properly see and hear the baby. The doctor was quick to advise us not to start worrying until we actual saw or heard something that would cause worry and also because Ashley had had no bleeding, cramping, or other signs of problems with our child.

We tried to stay calm and weren't too worried as we waited 20-30 minutes to have the additional ultrasound done. When we went in the doctor came in with us and the ultrasound tech started looking for the baby. When we first saw Matthew, he wasn't moving at all, which alarmed me that something was wrong. She then listened for a heartbeat and there was no sound and the readings on the monitor were flat. I knew that what I was seeing was that our child had no heartbeat, but I was just waiting in anticipation for our child to suddenly start moving or hearing it's little heart beating vigorously. It wasn't until the ultrasound technician typed, "NO HTBT" on the screen that I realized this was real. I heard her apologize to Ashley for the loss of our child. I was still in disbelief but I felt myself get up to hug and comfort Ashley while she cried.

That was a hard day for us both. We were told that from the ultrasound and what we had said regarding Ashley's health that there was no known cause for this fetal demise (when a child dies suddenly in the womb). He advised us that most parents seek their whole lives for the cause of this death. Some find it he said, and live in fear of it happening again; spending future pregnancies worried and stressed, instead of spending them in enjoyment and happiness. Some parents blame one another which could lead to resentment and ultimately discord in marriage. Some parents never find out why and for them, their grieve and curiosity are never satiated. He told us that most causes of fetal demise are in fact unknown and that we should seek to support each other rather than wasting energy finding cause or blame.

In the following days as we shared our sad news, not long after we had publicly announced our pregnancy, we found support from many.

I cannot express or illustrate how important and meaningful any prayer, comment, checking in with us, calling us, visiting us, sending flowers, food, gifts, and loving support helped us. I cannot believe that many of my friends from high school, who I have not talked to in years, other than the occasional like or comment on Facebook, did any of the things I just listed for us. I know that God is real and He does take care of us His children. I know this not just through my own faith, but in the prayers, concern, love, and help of others. There is no way Ashley or I have been able to be as calm and strong as we have if it wasn't for the support of others. No matter what trials we go through, no matter how difficult they are, nothing brings more strength than knowing you are not left alone.

We all have, do, and will experience trials, hardships, failure, depression, fear, pain, rejection, and loneliness. Isn't it in these moments that we seek for someone to understand,feel,  and acknowledge the hurt we feel? I know no matter how alone or unwanted we feel, there is always someone out there who will listen, who will comfort us, who will help us heal. Don't ever let yourself think otherwise because it is simply not true. Even the most disappointed parents still love their children, friendships can always be mended, love can always be found. I have had too many trials where I have felt utterly alone, but I have always found someone, even in the unlikeliest or unexpected of places, someone who truly cares for me and wants me to know that they know how much I hurt. I have always been able to find comfort in someone who matters.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out or even just reads our posts. We are able to continue healing because of your support and the overwhelming love we feel from you. Again I testify that God is real and that He has taken care of us, partially through each of you. I continue to be humbled by your love and continued support. I love Ashley and Matthew with all of my heart, and I do also for you.

-Josh

Gratitude

This time of year is especially prominent as a time when we all take a step a think about all the things we have to be grateful for. And let's be honest, that list should be pretty long, regardless of what else is wrong with life.

Among the things that make the top of my list are:

Loving, supportive family that will always have my back, being close with my siblings and in particular living close to some of them, going to a great school, living in our apartment that is nowhere near perfect but we love it, having great in-laws including both the family I married into and those who have married into my family, and of course, my best friend of a husband. The list goes on of course, but recently added to the list is that I'm grateful that Josh and I are expecting!

We are so thrilled to be having such a wonderful addition to our little family. And for the due date...

On that note, I am also very grateful to my awesome friend Jessica for taking these photos for us! I love the way they turned out.

With love and excitement,
~ Ashley

Picture Dump!

Since it's been a couple of months since my last update, I just think it will be easier if I am brief and post mostly photos. Enjoy!

I spent the night with Trevin and Kim one night while Josh was in Indiana, and the next morning Mickey just hopped up on the couch next to me. He's so cute I couldn't resist taking a couple pictures.

Speaking of cute, here's a random picture of our hamster, Gus Gus. :) 

A nice Provo pic.

Anime hair. Am I right?

The board after a game of Settlers of Catan with Chanelle and Sammy via phone while the boys played Battlefield 3 online.

We got to go to the Ogden Utah Temple open house with some of our neighbor friends. It was so beautiful. I love being able to be there. And apparently I am the tallest girl in the bunch by a decent amount. :P

First day of school pic.

Seen at Comic Con. For those who know Trigun. :)

Smaug head.

Left: Josh with Grant Imahara from Mythbusters.

Right: Posing next to Baymax from Big Hero 6.

Left: Alan Tudyk while I waited to add his autograph to Adam Baldwin's on my Firefly discs.

Right: James Hong, just taken from a distance.

Josh and I got to see the last live taping of Season 5 of Studio C with Cody and his friend. It was pretty awesome.

Our outfits for Comic Con on Friday.

And our outfits on Saturday. (Sorry you can't see the whole outfit in either picture.)

Comparison between Josh's Harry Potter costume and the real thing.

I went with Mom and Dad to drop Chanelle off at BYU-Idaho, and instantly fell in love with the campus. It's beautiful.

Aaand the Rexburg Temple. Right there by campus.

It's been a fun couple of months, and very very busy. But life is good. :)

~ Ashley

Summer Family Visit

In June, Mom, Dad, and Chanelle came to visit! Well, Mom and Dad had a sibling reunion for part of the time so only Chanelle stayed with us during that time, but then afterwards they all stayed a few more days before leaving. It was definitely the highlight of my summer. And it was really nice being in our bigger, two-bedroom apartment so that it was easier for us to accommodate having them stay. Here's some highlights from the visit!

We took a tour of the BYU Broadcasting building (where Josh works), and saw some pretty neat stuff. Including some work-in-progress sets for the upcoming season of Studio C (if you've never watched it, you should. It's really funny.) as well as the BYU Sports Nation set.

The four girls (Mom, Chanelle, Kim, and myself) got pedicures together, which has become one of my favorite traditions whenever I get together with my mom. :) It's so fun to feel pampered sometimes.

And we all wrapped up the week by going to a hotel swimming pool (where Mom and Dad stayed for a couple of nights). Who doesn't love swimming? That's definitely one thing I miss about my Texas home!

After swimming!

And of course, it wouldn't be a Jacobson get-together without playing some games! Including 7 Wonders and Catch Phrase, playing games with my family is ALWAYS a blast.

Now for any additional updates. I recently decided that in addition to finishing my Nutritional Science degree at BYU (next year baby!), I want to become a Certified Lactation Consultant. This will take a little extra online schooling (hopefully only about a year or so) that isn't cheap, as well as a certification exam at the end (yuck), but I'm excited to go forward with this. I plan to start some of the online classes in the near future, and will hopefully start volunteering at Utah County WIC in Provo soon (it's a work in progress, I'll keep you posted)!

As for Josh, he will be leaving for Indiana next week for a close friend's wedding, as well as just spending some time with his family. I'll stay here and work while he's gone. I know it'll be really fun for him to be in Indiana for a bit and to see his family, but it'll be hard (at least for me!) because it'll be the first time that we're apart since we got married (I know, sob story right?).

And that's us lately! We've been enjoying summer, and love life. Hope everyone is enjoying their summers as well!

~ Ashley

New Couch and Other Fun Stuff

First off, I would just like to document our most recent step down the road of adulthood: we bought a new couch. We have been needing one since we moved, and we're so excited about having it now!

Cute, right? And it can match ANYthing. Yeah, I kind of love it. :)

On a more *actual fun* note, we also celebrated Trevin's birthday recently! Through a lot of events and life-ness, we have both been at BYU for quite some time, and I consider myself very lucky to have had so much time to be so close to him. He has been a big part of my life and is one of my best friends.

I just can't get enough of this picture. I don't have many pictures one-on-one with siblings,
but this one is pretty fantastic.

Before long he'll graduate and he and Kim will move forward with their lives, and I will be so sad to see them go! But in the meantime, we're having so much fun living in Provo with them. On Sunday we all got together to play some D&D, and we started off the night singing Happy Birthday and having angel food cake (with extra whipped cream :).

Those are Lego candles!

For Trevin's actual birthday the next day, Kim had to work that night so Josh and I took him out for some fun at the Nickel Arcade in Orem.

I think the fact that it's called a "Fun Center" makes it a requirement to have fun while you're there. And we did not disappoint. And even better, Josh and I had just been saving up nickels whenever we get change and putting them aside to use for this very purpose. So then all we really had to pay was admission!

In other news, I've also been rehearsing for the past two and a half weeks for BYU's spring opera, L'elisir d'amore, or The Elixir of Love. (To be clear, I'm in the pit orchestra, NOT an opera singer.)

We are having four performances this week, and then it's all finished. It's been really tiring, but fun! And I'm glad for any opportunity I have to play my French horn in different productions or anything like that! It's a skill that I don't want to lose once I'm out of school, and I have a lot of fun participating in things like this.

~ ~ ~

While we're taking a nice summer break from school and we're mostly just working, we're having some fun as well.

What is everyone else doing for their summer?

~ Ashley

Summer is Here!

I feel like a lot has happened since my last post, and I'm just hoping I can remember what to talk about here! Guess I'll just try to hit the highlights.

Josh and I have been wanting to go back to the Bountiful Temple for a while, since that's where we got married and we haven't been back since then. So back in the beginning of March we finally made out it there, only to discover it was closed for maintenance or something. Dang it! So we wandered around outside the temple for a bit, trying to make the best of it, and when we started heading back, we found the TARDIS in someone's driveway...

So obviously we had to take pictures with it! (With the owners' permission, of course.)

Hottie, am I right?

Josh was a Doctor Who fan before me, but I had wanted to watch it for some time and finally started up toward the end of last year. I. LOVE. IT. So obviously we both freaked out a little bit when we happened upon this gem. :)

Even though we couldn't go to the Bountiful Temple like we planned, we still wanted to make a date night out of it. So we stopped in Salt Lake and visited the Capitol Building. It was really cool!

Let me just say, I LOVE these buildings!

April had quite a bit of awesomeness. As the semester was ending, we went to Salt Lake Comic Con FanX. It was a surprise for Josh, but it was a dream come true for me. I seriously was so excited about it that I started crying when we got there. (Josh was really concerned, but I was just happy! :) It was pretty amazing. Mostly we just wandered around, looking at the different vendors and things. Just looking at the cool merchandise and awesome cosplays was so fun. We had a really great time. I also got one of my Firefly discs signed by Adam Baldwin. SO. AWESOME.

Josh with Master Chief!

This R2D2 was so legit! Someone was remote controlling it. :)

Not the best picture, but someone was walking around in this really sweet costume.

We also celebrated our first Easter together! It wasn't much, but it was fun! Most of the candy was saved from what my mom sent us for Easter, along with the plastic eggs and grass. We found the baskets at D.I. for dirt cheap, and the couple gifts in each basket were from the dollar store. Success!

Proof that we dyed eggs before promptly turning them into deviled eggs! :P

Wearing my new Easter dress! And Josh wore his pink bow tie for Easter, because, let's be honest... bow ties are cool. ;)

Then at the end of April, we took a trip with Trevin and Kim up to Idaho and stayed with Nana and Poppy. It's so fun to see them! School had just ended and we all took a few days off from work and everything. It was such a nice break, and much needed. While we were there, Josh and I saw Wicked with Nana and Poppy. We decided this would be our first anniversary present. :) I've wanted to see Wicked so badly for some time, and I was not disappointed. It. Was. AMAZING.

It's gonna happen!

Similar to what happened at Comic Con, I cried at Wicked just out of sheer joy and excitement; during the production, I would randomly start crying during various songs either because the song was so amazing or because I was just so happy to be there. :)

I should also mention that we annihilated a puzzle that Nana pulled out one night. We were on it like vultures, and between some work before dinner and some work after, it didn't stand a chance.

Shortly after our trip to Idaho, Josh and I moved into a new apartment. Our old one was a great starter, but we were ready to move on to something a little bigger and better. It was sad leaving the ward, especially for Josh (because he's naturally more social than I am!), and it is especially sad not living right next to Trevin and Kim. But we are pretty excited about our new place! And we have already experienced the excitement of having a mouse in our kitchen and then catching it in a mouse trap, so... yeah. Pretty fun, right? :P

I was originally planning on taking classes during Spring and Summer terms at BYU, but it ended up working out differently and now we're both just working full-time. It gets tiring, but I'm secretly (or maybe not so secretly) relieved to have a few months break from school and the stresses that come with it. It pushes my graduation date to June of next year instead of April, but I can deal with that. Right now we're just makin' the big bucks. ;) Recently at work, Josh got us a couple of tickets to a BYU Baseball game. It was actually really fun, and brought back childhood memories of going to Rangers games with my family. It was pretty chilly, but we stayed for the whole game. (Next time we'll bring a blanket!) We lost, but it was a good game!

I'd say we've had a pretty great start to the summer. We've been married a year as of May 4th (about two weeks ago), and I'm just loving it. Living with and being married to my best friend is the greatest gift I've ever been given, and we have so much fun together. I'm looking forward to what the next year will bring us!

~ Ashley