Today marks 10 months since I delivered my sleeping angel. Matthew would be a precious 10-month-old infant, about to gain a new baby brother and sister. Now I know that if he were here today, I probably wouldn't be pregnant again yet, but this is the reality of how it is for me now.
We are so excited for the twins to arrive, and I am so grateful to be expecting them, but as I near delivery I can't help but think of sweet Matthew. When I'm holding my new babies for the first time, I feel that it will be bittersweet as I think back to the first and only time I held Matthew. How it should have been a bonding time for mother and newborn, it should have been nothing but joyful, he should have been mine to snuggle and to keep. The experience I'll have holding my new babies should have been the experience I had with Matthew. Instead all I have to hold on to is the memory of his tiny - yet perfect - body that was no longer full of life.
Don't get me wrong though. I will be so happy to be holding my two new babies. To feel their warm little bodies on my skin. To hear their newborn cries. To know that they are mine to keep and protect. There is nothing I want more. I have been so in love with them since our first ultrasound when I saw that there were two of them and when I saw their tiny heartbeats.
On a related note, something I've been interested in doing since we lost Matthew is becoming certified as a birth and bereavement doula. For those who are unfamiliar with what a doula does, it is someone who is trained to assist women primarily during childbirth and sometimes after. Someone whose only job is to be there to support the new mother. Sort of like a professional mom. :) A birth and bereavement doula provides support to mothers in any outcome and in any trimester, putting a special emphasis on bereavement training and dealing with loss or time in the NICU. Things of that nature.
There is a certification program through "Stillbirthday University" at stillbirthday.com provides that training and certification that I have been interested in, and starting this week I have the opportunity to start that training. It is an 8-week online course that we are given 12 weeks to finish, so I'll do as much as I can before the twins arrive and pace myself accordingly once they are here.
I still want to eventually become a certified lactation consultant, but this is one more thing that I've hoped to be able to do. I am very excited for this opportunity and hope that in the future I will be able to use my experience along with this training and certification to help other women.
Sometimes with journal entries and blog posts, I don't really know where to start other than right now:
These past few months have been interesting at the least.
^It has been a long recovery since the loss of Matthew
I was without work for a bit, but I'm now working 2 jobs.
We found out we're pregnant with twins!
Ashley's brother, Cody, recently got married <3
We also got to visit Indiana:
my brother Nick, standing face-to-face with a tiger
I just finished up with a job teaching summer school (Physical Science) at the same school where I was hired earlier in the year to be an after-school film teacher. Teaching at Independence High School here in Provo has helped me realize again that I really want to be able to teach and help others achieve the dreams they have. There is nothing more rewarding to me than seeing someone become who they've always dreamed about becoming.
Teaching outline for after-school film class at Independence High
I've changed majors yet again to essentially become a high school industrial tech teacher. I am still going into film, but this is just another route to doing that and gaining a teaching degree. There are thoughts that maybe I'm just trying to take the easier route to getting out of college the quickest, but I also found out that a Journalism major with a Broadcasting emphasis, was not for me. I'd be writing journalism articles for the next 3 years, all just to get practical experience in a television studio for a semester or two. That was not for me.
Inside the BYUtv Truck during a football game
With the Technology and Engineering Education degree, I'll learn CAD, a 3D Imaging program, wood and metal working, which will give me lots of prop-making and set-building experience to pull from in my years as a producer. Plus, like I said, I'll get a teaching degree as well, when I retire from the film/television industry and teach. Having made that decision, I still feel like I doubt myself and the paths I'm choosing for education.
Ethan being goofy
Having Ethan, my brother, here in Utah while pursuing an acting career, has really helped me to see that it really is okay to set aside all the things you think people want you to be in order to do whatever it is you've dreamed about doing, regardless if it makes sense or not. Part of that this summer for me has involved me really delving into the video game community as a content creator. I've been busy using my YouTube channel to upload podcasts, tutorials, or factual videos about video games.
Ashley and I realized that I needed to do something to keep my creative juices flowing. It's great for me to consistently have a creative outlet, so that I don't get bored or drained from the mundane of everyday life. I remembered my roommate pointing out to me a while back that I would want to start all these really cool film or creative projects and actually never pursue or follow-through with any of them and that's what got me going. So that motivated me to actually set out and do something.
I've been super busy and passionate about the streams, podcasts, events, and videos I put out. I've had to become super active on Twitter, which is something I was trying to avoid until I got into production on something bigger than my personal stuff, but it has brought a lot of success with it, although I hate having to feel like I have to check it to stay up-to-date on what's going on with collaborators, colleagues, and news thats happening in the areas where I'm creating and promoting content. Summary: Twitter is a necessary evil of being in the entertainment biz.
I recently did a gaming event online, where gamers got together and did activities that promoted the positive environments, experiences, and opportunities that video games can give people in their lives. I got a lot of response from several big names, some of whom I didn't think to ever hear from. It wasn't by accident that all this was happening to me as I was making sure that I had my spiritual priorities in order. I'd always known that if I put the Lord first in all that I did, especially in how I start my days (meaningful prayer, scripture study, meditation, etc.) I would be blessed in my other efforts, especially my aspirations in life. I knew that this success was a direct blessing from those improvements I was trying to make in my life. These people wouldn't have responded to some no-name content creator had it not been for some heavenly assistance, to which I am utterly grateful for.
Let me lead you now into the next part of my thoughts on where I'm going in life and these blog posts:
I'm starting to grasp the flow of my day-to-day life, how it should be and what I should be doing. I'm learning what takes priority and what amount of time I can and should dedicate to each good, better, or best aspect of my life that I'm currently focusing on. I see improvement, yet doubt, worry, depression and anxiety start to creep in and I doubt again where I am headed in life and if I've just wasted months and looking back years of my life.
Today has been a really hard day for me. My grief over losing Matthew has been getting harder before is gets better, and it's been one of those days where everything that life demands from you just feels completely overwhelming. The thought of doing any little thing today has caused me so much stress and anxiety that I end up feeling like everything is just too much to face. And when I try to face it anyway, my body's response is to panic. To freak out or just start crying. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm going to go crazy. Not every day is like this, but today was one of those days.
At times like these, in particular, I just want to scream at the world to stop for a moment. Give me a day, two days, any kind of break. I just want to hit the pause button and try again tomorrow. But life demands that things keep moving at a constant, unstoppable pace.
I was talking about this today to one of my friends, who lost her baby boy just a few hours after he was born, and she sent me this picture in her texts:
It is such a great description of how it feels at times. Sometimes all I can think about is the aching in my heart and the longing to hold my baby, yet the world demands that I work to keep up with rent and that I complete homework and tests that seem like they will never end. The world keeps moving and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.
Today I did not accomplish nearly as much as I initially envisioned. Everything felt impossible to even consider getting done. But tonight, in a moment of motivation (probably from Heavenly Father, which I'm thankful for), I went for a run. I ran from our apartment to the Provo City Center Temple and back. (Okay, it was a walk/run combination. I'm not THAT good.) When I got to the temple, I just stood there for a minute and looked at it. And I was filled with gratitude.
As I looked at the temple, I was reminded of the incredible blessing in my life that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Josh and I have been sealed in the temple, Matthew is sealed to us. Because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we will be with our precious little boy again. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to know that. As painful as it is to not have him with me and to go through my life without knowing my baby, I know that will not be the case forever.
Recently I found this quote, and it resonated deeply with me:
It makes me want to both smile and cry. It is both painful and very precious. I want to be the one looking into my baby's eyes. But if it wasn't me he saw when he opened his eyes, I am glad to know that it was the face of Jesus.
I know that I will continue to have hard days and days in which keeping up with life feels impossible. But I also know that my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, know me and hurt when I'm hurting. I know that because of Christ's sacrifice I can find comfort in my darkest days, and that all will be made right when someday I am reunited with my Matthew. And I know that there is still so much joy to come in my life, even if it doesn't always feel like it now.
I have been contemplating lately what I should say in a public setting about my thoughts and feelings lately. What is appropriate to post on Facebook, what is appropriate to say here. What should I hold back, what should I share. Some things I want to say but worry that others will be put off by negativity. But I've decided that in the end, this is my blog, and though it is available publicly, I am still free to share what I want without needing to fear the reactions of others.
As most of you know, I lost my child earlier this month. I gave birth to Matthew, my little gift from God, on the morning of December 4th. He was stillborn. It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I felt at the hospital and during the days that have followed since.
As the year is coming to a close, I am seeing a lot of people posting about how 2014 has been. Lots of those little Facebook slideshows that have the year in review. And they almost always say, "It's been a great year!" As I have reflected on my year, I'm left feeling emptiness and sadness. I was expecting to be able to call 2014 a great year. But losing my baby tore away all those dreams that I had. Now I look back at how excited I was to be pregnant and looking forward to having that child, and all I can think is how it should have been. My baby bump should be showing, and I would be proud of it. I should be feeling his precious movements. I should be buying cute newborn clothes and setting up his things.
And there are so many things I will forever be left wondering about: what would he have looked like? Would his hair be dark like Josh's? Would it be curly or straight? Would he have our brown eyes or get our recessive blue? Would he be a mild-mannered baby? Would he become a rambunctious toddler? It doesn't seem fair. I would never get to rock him to sleep, cradled in my arms. I would never get to sing him a lullaby. I am his mother, yet I would never get to mother him.
So when I look at the year 2014, it is with a heavy heart, full of great sadness and a longing that will never be filled. The turning of the year is a reminder of all the year should have brought, and all the dreams that came with it. That I went home from the hospital that day with broken dreams and empty arms. And though time is the great healer, that pain will always remain.
Fortunately, in the midst of grief and tragedy, hope can still be found.
I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we will be reunited with our precious boy again. Because of Him, we are and will always be a family, even if I can't be with Matthew at this time. Because of Him, the pain of being without my boy in this life will be but a brief moment compared to the joy of eternity.
With the recent loss of our son Matthew, I have had time to reflect on a lot of things. I have suffered with depression for a major portion of my life. I know what it is to suffer grief and loss; to feel empty inside; to suddenly feel emotion for no reason at all; and to lose motivation and hope.
I feel that with this trial we continue to face, there will be light at the end of the tunnel...there is hope.
During a routine check-up appointment with Ashley's OBGYN, we were so excited to hear the heartbeat of our little child. Through the first trimester of pregnancy and into the start of the second, there is no other sensible sign that your baby is alive other than getting you get to hear your child's heartbeat with the aid of a fetal doppler during doctor visits. Sometimes it takes a while to locate the child as they move around and sometimes are in unexpected places. This had happened in a previous visit, so when the doctor had trouble locating a heartbeat, I wasn't too worried. It wasn't until the doctor had been searching for what seemed like fifteen minutes and told us that he wanted to have an ultrasound done so that we could properly see and hear the baby. The doctor was quick to advise us not to start worrying until we actual saw or heard something that would cause worry and also because Ashley had had no bleeding, cramping, or other signs of problems with our child.
We tried to stay calm and weren't too worried as we waited 20-30 minutes to have the additional ultrasound done. When we went in the doctor came in with us and the ultrasound tech started looking for the baby. When we first saw Matthew, he wasn't moving at all, which alarmed me that something was wrong. She then listened for a heartbeat and there was no sound and the readings on the monitor were flat. I knew that what I was seeing was that our child had no heartbeat, but I was just waiting in anticipation for our child to suddenly start moving or hearing it's little heart beating vigorously. It wasn't until the ultrasound technician typed, "NO HTBT" on the screen that I realized this was real. I heard her apologize to Ashley for the loss of our child. I was still in disbelief but I felt myself get up to hug and comfort Ashley while she cried.
That was a hard day for us both. We were told that from the ultrasound and what we had said regarding Ashley's health that there was no known cause for this fetal demise (when a child dies suddenly in the womb). He advised us that most parents seek their whole lives for the cause of this death. Some find it he said, and live in fear of it happening again; spending future pregnancies worried and stressed, instead of spending them in enjoyment and happiness. Some parents blame one another which could lead to resentment and ultimately discord in marriage. Some parents never find out why and for them, their grieve and curiosity are never satiated. He told us that most causes of fetal demise are in fact unknown and that we should seek to support each other rather than wasting energy finding cause or blame.
In the following days as we shared our sad news, not long after we had publicly announced our pregnancy, we found support from many.
I cannot express or illustrate how important and meaningful any prayer, comment, checking in with us, calling us, visiting us, sending flowers, food, gifts, and loving support helped us. I cannot believe that many of my friends from high school, who I have not talked to in years, other than the occasional like or comment on Facebook, did any of the things I just listed for us. I know that God is real and He does take care of us His children. I know this not just through my own faith, but in the prayers, concern, love, and help of others. There is no way Ashley or I have been able to be as calm and strong as we have if it wasn't for the support of others. No matter what trials we go through, no matter how difficult they are, nothing brings more strength than knowing you are not left alone.
We all have, do, and will experience trials, hardships, failure, depression, fear, pain, rejection, and loneliness. Isn't it in these moments that we seek for someone to understand,feel, and acknowledge the hurt we feel? I know no matter how alone or unwanted we feel, there is always someone out there who will listen, who will comfort us, who will help us heal. Don't ever let yourself think otherwise because it is simply not true. Even the most disappointed parents still love their children, friendships can always be mended, love can always be found. I have had too many trials where I have felt utterly alone, but I have always found someone, even in the unlikeliest or unexpected of places, someone who truly cares for me and wants me to know that they know how much I hurt. I have always been able to find comfort in someone who matters.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out or even just reads our posts. We are able to continue healing because of your support and the overwhelming love we feel from you. Again I testify that God is real and that He has taken care of us, partially through each of you. I continue to be humbled by your love and continued support. I love Ashley and Matthew with all of my heart, and I do also for you.
This time of year is especially prominent as a time when we all take a step a think about all the things we have to be grateful for. And let's be honest, that list should be pretty long, regardless of what else is wrong with life.
Among the things that make the top of my list are:
Loving, supportive family that will always have my back, being close with my siblings and in particular living close to some of them, going to a great school, living in our apartment that is nowhere near perfect but we love it, having great in-laws including both the family I married into and those who have married into my family, and of course, my best friend of a husband. The list goes on of course, but recently added to the list is that I'm grateful that Josh and I are expecting!
We are so thrilled to be having such a wonderful addition to our little family. And for the due date...
On that note, I am also very grateful to my awesome friend Jessica for taking these photos for us! I love the way they turned out.
Since it's been a couple of months since my last update, I just think it will be easier if I am brief and post mostly photos. Enjoy!
I spent the night with Trevin and Kim one night while Josh was in Indiana, and the next morning Mickey just hopped up on the couch next to me. He's so cute I couldn't resist taking a couple pictures.
Speaking of cute, here's a random picture of our hamster, Gus Gus. :)
A nice Provo pic.
Anime hair. Am I right?
The board after a game of Settlers of Catan with Chanelle and Sammy via phone while the boys played Battlefield 3 online.
We got to go to the Ogden Utah Temple open house with some of our neighbor friends. It was so beautiful. I love being able to be there. And apparently I am the tallest girl in the bunch by a decent amount. :P
