Hard Days and Gratitude

Today has been a really hard day for me. My grief over losing Matthew has been getting harder before is gets better, and it's been one of those days where everything that life demands from you just feels completely overwhelming. The thought of doing any little thing today has caused me so much stress and anxiety that I end up feeling like everything is just too much to face. And when I try to face it anyway, my body's response is to panic. To freak out or just start crying. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm going to go crazy. Not every day is like this, but today was one of those days.

At times like these, in particular, I just want to scream at the world to stop for a moment. Give me a day, two days, any kind of break. I just want to hit the pause button and try again tomorrow. But life demands that things keep moving at a constant, unstoppable pace.

I was talking about this today to one of my friends, who lost her baby boy just a few hours after he was born, and she sent me this picture in her texts:

It is such a great description of how it feels at times. Sometimes all I can think about is the aching in my heart and the longing to hold my baby, yet the world demands that I work to keep up with rent and that I complete homework and tests that seem like they will never end. The world keeps moving and life goes on, whether I want it to or not.

Today I did not accomplish nearly as much as I initially envisioned. Everything felt impossible to even consider getting done. But tonight, in a moment of motivation (probably from Heavenly Father, which I'm thankful for), I went for a run. I ran from our apartment to the Provo City Center Temple and back. (Okay, it was a walk/run combination. I'm not THAT good.) When I got to the temple, I just stood there for a minute and looked at it. And I was filled with gratitude.

As I looked at the temple, I was reminded of the incredible blessing in my life that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Josh and I have been sealed in the temple, Matthew is sealed to us. Because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we will be with our precious little boy again. I can't begin to say how grateful I am to know that. As painful as it is to not have him with me and to go through my life without knowing my baby, I know that will not be the case forever.

Recently I found this quote, and it resonated deeply with me:

It makes me want to both smile and cry. It is both painful and very precious. I want to be the one looking into my baby's eyes. But if it wasn't me he saw when he opened his eyes, I am glad to know that it was the face of Jesus.

I know that I will continue to have hard days and days in which keeping up with life feels impossible. But I also know that my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, know me and hurt when I'm hurting. I know that because of Christ's sacrifice I can find comfort in my darkest days, and that all will be made right when someday I am reunited with my Matthew. And I know that there is still so much joy to come in my life, even if it doesn't always feel like it now.

And I am grateful.

~ Ashley

The Closing of 2014 - Not What I Expected

I have been contemplating lately what I should say in a public setting about my thoughts and feelings lately. What is appropriate to post on Facebook, what is appropriate to say here. What should I hold back, what should I share. Some things I want to say but worry that others will be put off by negativity. But I've decided that in the end, this is my blog, and though it is available publicly, I am still free to share what I want without needing to fear the reactions of others.

As most of you know, I lost my child earlier this month. I gave birth to Matthew, my little gift from God, on the morning of December 4th. He was stillborn. It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I felt at the hospital and during the days that have followed since.

As the year is coming to a close, I am seeing a lot of people posting about how 2014 has been. Lots of those little Facebook slideshows that have the year in review. And they almost always say, "It's been a great year!" As I have reflected on my year, I'm left feeling emptiness and sadness. I was expecting to be able to call 2014 a great year. But losing my baby tore away all those dreams that I had. Now I look back at how excited I was to be pregnant and looking forward to having that child, and all I can think is how it should have been. My baby bump should be showing, and I would be proud of it. I should be feeling his precious movements. I should be buying cute newborn clothes and setting up his things.

And there are so many things I will forever be left wondering about: what would he have looked like? Would his hair be dark like Josh's? Would it be curly or straight? Would he have our brown eyes or get our recessive blue? Would he be a mild-mannered baby? Would he become a rambunctious toddler? It doesn't seem fair. I would never get to rock him to sleep, cradled in my arms. I would never get to sing him a lullaby. I am his mother, yet I would never get to mother him.

So when I look at the year 2014, it is with a heavy heart, full of great sadness and a longing that will never be filled. The turning of the year is a reminder of all the year should have brought, and all the dreams that came with it. That I went home from the hospital that day with broken dreams and empty arms. And though time is the great healer, that pain will always remain.


Fortunately, in the midst of grief and tragedy, hope can still be found.

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we will be reunited with our precious boy again. Because of Him, we are and will always be a family, even if I can't be with Matthew at this time. Because of Him, the pain of being without my boy in this life will be but a brief moment compared to the joy of eternity.

~ Ashley

You Are Never Alone

Please take a moment to watch this before you read on:

None Were with Him

With the recent loss of our son Matthew, I have had time to reflect on a lot of things. I have suffered with depression for a major portion of my life. I know what it is to suffer grief and loss; to feel empty inside; to suddenly feel emotion for no reason at all; and to lose motivation and hope.

I feel that with this trial we continue to face, there will be light at the end of the tunnel...there is hope.

During a routine check-up appointment with Ashley's OBGYN, we were so excited to hear the heartbeat of our little child. Through the first trimester of pregnancy and into the start of the second, there is no other sensible sign that your baby is alive other than getting you get to hear your child's heartbeat with the aid of a fetal doppler during doctor visits. Sometimes it takes a while to locate the child as they move around and sometimes are in unexpected places. This had happened in a previous visit, so when the doctor had trouble locating a heartbeat, I wasn't too worried. It wasn't until the doctor had been searching for what seemed like fifteen minutes and told us that he wanted to have an ultrasound done so that we could properly see and hear the baby. The doctor was quick to advise us not to start worrying until we actual saw or heard something that would cause worry and also because Ashley had had no bleeding, cramping, or other signs of problems with our child.

We tried to stay calm and weren't too worried as we waited 20-30 minutes to have the additional ultrasound done. When we went in the doctor came in with us and the ultrasound tech started looking for the baby. When we first saw Matthew, he wasn't moving at all, which alarmed me that something was wrong. She then listened for a heartbeat and there was no sound and the readings on the monitor were flat. I knew that what I was seeing was that our child had no heartbeat, but I was just waiting in anticipation for our child to suddenly start moving or hearing it's little heart beating vigorously. It wasn't until the ultrasound technician typed, "NO HTBT" on the screen that I realized this was real. I heard her apologize to Ashley for the loss of our child. I was still in disbelief but I felt myself get up to hug and comfort Ashley while she cried.

That was a hard day for us both. We were told that from the ultrasound and what we had said regarding Ashley's health that there was no known cause for this fetal demise (when a child dies suddenly in the womb). He advised us that most parents seek their whole lives for the cause of this death. Some find it he said, and live in fear of it happening again; spending future pregnancies worried and stressed, instead of spending them in enjoyment and happiness. Some parents blame one another which could lead to resentment and ultimately discord in marriage. Some parents never find out why and for them, their grieve and curiosity are never satiated. He told us that most causes of fetal demise are in fact unknown and that we should seek to support each other rather than wasting energy finding cause or blame.

In the following days as we shared our sad news, not long after we had publicly announced our pregnancy, we found support from many.

I cannot express or illustrate how important and meaningful any prayer, comment, checking in with us, calling us, visiting us, sending flowers, food, gifts, and loving support helped us. I cannot believe that many of my friends from high school, who I have not talked to in years, other than the occasional like or comment on Facebook, did any of the things I just listed for us. I know that God is real and He does take care of us His children. I know this not just through my own faith, but in the prayers, concern, love, and help of others. There is no way Ashley or I have been able to be as calm and strong as we have if it wasn't for the support of others. No matter what trials we go through, no matter how difficult they are, nothing brings more strength than knowing you are not left alone.

We all have, do, and will experience trials, hardships, failure, depression, fear, pain, rejection, and loneliness. Isn't it in these moments that we seek for someone to understand,feel,  and acknowledge the hurt we feel? I know no matter how alone or unwanted we feel, there is always someone out there who will listen, who will comfort us, who will help us heal. Don't ever let yourself think otherwise because it is simply not true. Even the most disappointed parents still love their children, friendships can always be mended, love can always be found. I have had too many trials where I have felt utterly alone, but I have always found someone, even in the unlikeliest or unexpected of places, someone who truly cares for me and wants me to know that they know how much I hurt. I have always been able to find comfort in someone who matters.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out or even just reads our posts. We are able to continue healing because of your support and the overwhelming love we feel from you. Again I testify that God is real and that He has taken care of us, partially through each of you. I continue to be humbled by your love and continued support. I love Ashley and Matthew with all of my heart, and I do also for you.

-Josh

Gratitude

This time of year is especially prominent as a time when we all take a step a think about all the things we have to be grateful for. And let's be honest, that list should be pretty long, regardless of what else is wrong with life.

Among the things that make the top of my list are:

Loving, supportive family that will always have my back, being close with my siblings and in particular living close to some of them, going to a great school, living in our apartment that is nowhere near perfect but we love it, having great in-laws including both the family I married into and those who have married into my family, and of course, my best friend of a husband. The list goes on of course, but recently added to the list is that I'm grateful that Josh and I are expecting!

We are so thrilled to be having such a wonderful addition to our little family. And for the due date...

On that note, I am also very grateful to my awesome friend Jessica for taking these photos for us! I love the way they turned out.

With love and excitement,
~ Ashley

Picture Dump!

Since it's been a couple of months since my last update, I just think it will be easier if I am brief and post mostly photos. Enjoy!

I spent the night with Trevin and Kim one night while Josh was in Indiana, and the next morning Mickey just hopped up on the couch next to me. He's so cute I couldn't resist taking a couple pictures.

Speaking of cute, here's a random picture of our hamster, Gus Gus. :) 

A nice Provo pic.

Anime hair. Am I right?

The board after a game of Settlers of Catan with Chanelle and Sammy via phone while the boys played Battlefield 3 online.

We got to go to the Ogden Utah Temple open house with some of our neighbor friends. It was so beautiful. I love being able to be there. And apparently I am the tallest girl in the bunch by a decent amount. :P

First day of school pic.

Seen at Comic Con. For those who know Trigun. :)

Smaug head.

Left: Josh with Grant Imahara from Mythbusters.

Right: Posing next to Baymax from Big Hero 6.

Left: Alan Tudyk while I waited to add his autograph to Adam Baldwin's on my Firefly discs.

Right: James Hong, just taken from a distance.

Josh and I got to see the last live taping of Season 5 of Studio C with Cody and his friend. It was pretty awesome.

Our outfits for Comic Con on Friday.

And our outfits on Saturday. (Sorry you can't see the whole outfit in either picture.)

Comparison between Josh's Harry Potter costume and the real thing.

I went with Mom and Dad to drop Chanelle off at BYU-Idaho, and instantly fell in love with the campus. It's beautiful.

Aaand the Rexburg Temple. Right there by campus.

It's been a fun couple of months, and very very busy. But life is good. :)

~ Ashley

Summer Family Visit

In June, Mom, Dad, and Chanelle came to visit! Well, Mom and Dad had a sibling reunion for part of the time so only Chanelle stayed with us during that time, but then afterwards they all stayed a few more days before leaving. It was definitely the highlight of my summer. And it was really nice being in our bigger, two-bedroom apartment so that it was easier for us to accommodate having them stay. Here's some highlights from the visit!

We took a tour of the BYU Broadcasting building (where Josh works), and saw some pretty neat stuff. Including some work-in-progress sets for the upcoming season of Studio C (if you've never watched it, you should. It's really funny.) as well as the BYU Sports Nation set.

The four girls (Mom, Chanelle, Kim, and myself) got pedicures together, which has become one of my favorite traditions whenever I get together with my mom. :) It's so fun to feel pampered sometimes.

And we all wrapped up the week by going to a hotel swimming pool (where Mom and Dad stayed for a couple of nights). Who doesn't love swimming? That's definitely one thing I miss about my Texas home!

After swimming!

And of course, it wouldn't be a Jacobson get-together without playing some games! Including 7 Wonders and Catch Phrase, playing games with my family is ALWAYS a blast.

Now for any additional updates. I recently decided that in addition to finishing my Nutritional Science degree at BYU (next year baby!), I want to become a Certified Lactation Consultant. This will take a little extra online schooling (hopefully only about a year or so) that isn't cheap, as well as a certification exam at the end (yuck), but I'm excited to go forward with this. I plan to start some of the online classes in the near future, and will hopefully start volunteering at Utah County WIC in Provo soon (it's a work in progress, I'll keep you posted)!

As for Josh, he will be leaving for Indiana next week for a close friend's wedding, as well as just spending some time with his family. I'll stay here and work while he's gone. I know it'll be really fun for him to be in Indiana for a bit and to see his family, but it'll be hard (at least for me!) because it'll be the first time that we're apart since we got married (I know, sob story right?).

And that's us lately! We've been enjoying summer, and love life. Hope everyone is enjoying their summers as well!

~ Ashley

New Couch and Other Fun Stuff

First off, I would just like to document our most recent step down the road of adulthood: we bought a new couch. We have been needing one since we moved, and we're so excited about having it now!

Cute, right? And it can match ANYthing. Yeah, I kind of love it. :)

On a more *actual fun* note, we also celebrated Trevin's birthday recently! Through a lot of events and life-ness, we have both been at BYU for quite some time, and I consider myself very lucky to have had so much time to be so close to him. He has been a big part of my life and is one of my best friends.

I just can't get enough of this picture. I don't have many pictures one-on-one with siblings,
but this one is pretty fantastic.

Before long he'll graduate and he and Kim will move forward with their lives, and I will be so sad to see them go! But in the meantime, we're having so much fun living in Provo with them. On Sunday we all got together to play some D&D, and we started off the night singing Happy Birthday and having angel food cake (with extra whipped cream :).

Those are Lego candles!

For Trevin's actual birthday the next day, Kim had to work that night so Josh and I took him out for some fun at the Nickel Arcade in Orem.

I think the fact that it's called a "Fun Center" makes it a requirement to have fun while you're there. And we did not disappoint. And even better, Josh and I had just been saving up nickels whenever we get change and putting them aside to use for this very purpose. So then all we really had to pay was admission!

In other news, I've also been rehearsing for the past two and a half weeks for BYU's spring opera, L'elisir d'amore, or The Elixir of Love. (To be clear, I'm in the pit orchestra, NOT an opera singer.)

We are having four performances this week, and then it's all finished. It's been really tiring, but fun! And I'm glad for any opportunity I have to play my French horn in different productions or anything like that! It's a skill that I don't want to lose once I'm out of school, and I have a lot of fun participating in things like this.

~ ~ ~

While we're taking a nice summer break from school and we're mostly just working, we're having some fun as well.

What is everyone else doing for their summer?

~ Ashley